AND... She's off

Okay well that is it for me for this year... in a few hours I'll be on a plane heading north (more or less). If I have access to a pc I'll post updates, but I am planning on spending my time on other things.

Hope you all had a terrific Christmas and all the best for the New Year.

See you in 2007.

'Tis the season to be silly... tra la la lala

I have been on leave for a week now and for most people leave is a time for them to unwind, slow down, relax and recharge... however my week has been one of the most chaotic I have had in a while. Seeing as I will be away for 2 weeks I have been spending as much time as I can with my kids this week which has included everything from my boys birthday party, Carols by Candlelight, shopping, movies, clay cafe, beach, swimming, aquarium and everything inbetween.

I AM EXHAUSTED.

My little angel was spoilt as usual, gifts galore and a cake he loved. I have been trying to upload a pic of him with his cake but as yet blogger aint playing with.

Carol's by Candlelight is a yearly event at Kirstenbosch and a Cape Town institution. Every year about a week before Christmas thousands upon thousands of people congregate in the beautiful gardens in the spirit of the season. Anyone who lives in this beautiful city or visits it over the festive season, and has not yet attended this spectacle truly does NOT know what they are missing.

This is the third year running that I have gone, and the second that I have taken my kids along, and it is now becoming a family tradition. It normally runs for 4 consecutive evenings around the 16th of December. We arrived on Sunday evening around 6PM with a full picnic and heading off to meet with the friends waiting for us, and were confronted with the sight of people lined all the way up the hill and back down behind us waiting to get in. IT WAS PACKED. Everyone having a festive time... eating, drinking and merry making were definitely the order of the day (or night). Around 8PM, conveniently also around sunset, candles are lit and the carols are underway... led by the Cape Town Concert Brass Band and the Cape Town Male Voice Choir. What a sight to behold... thousands of candles swaying to the sound of carols being belted out by everyone there. If you haven't yet gone... GO NEXT YEAR... you will NOT regret it.

The Clay Cafe in hout bay is another fantastic spot to take your kids, or yourself, if you are looking to be creative for an afternoon. It is a pottery studio up on the hill overlooking the hout bay valley and over to the ocean where they make, paint and sell delightful african theme pottery. They also have a cafe where you can go and paint your own. You pay for the bisque and get 3 paint colours to use and then your imagination does the rest. Once you have created your masterpiece they fire it for you and then you return to collect your piece 2 weeks later. The kids absolutely LOVE it. They even cater for birthday parties... which is how we were first introduced to it. Another must do if you are in Cape Town.

Otherwise I am UBER excited about the upcoming trip, and if I am honest a little anxious. I know it is going to be great, fantastic, an experience to remember forever... however this is the first time that I will be leaving the kids for that amount of time... and it is the first time that I will be traveling alone (once there I will be meeting with a friend) but I have to get myself half way around the world by myself. And although I know I have nothing to be anxious about and that I am more than capable of looking after myself, I am still a little anxious. And then to top it all off... I checked the weather forecast for Jordan and Syria and I AM GOING TO FREEZE MY BACKSIDE OFF. When everyone else is coming to Cape Town at this time of year to bask in the 28 deg sunshine everyday... I will be leaving it to go to temp's of between -5 and 15 deg. Layering, it is all about layering :)

Holidays, cakes and tattoo's

YEAH, today is my last day at the office, I am already in holiday mode. I won't see the inside of this place for another 3.5 weeks. HELL YES, this is long overdue.

Last Sunday the weather and water conditions turned out to be perfect and so we managed to go diving after all. Man it was great to be in the water again. We went to Oudekraal with a few other new divers (it was their very very first ocean dive) so a great way to get back into the swing of things as we took it very easy. The water was perfect with about 10m of visibility, however this also meant that it was quite cold (11 deg to be precise)... thank God for the 7ml two-piece wetsuit that attempted to keep me above freezing level. We also had the pleasure of seeing a baby electric ray... very rare to catch of glimpse of these around here, and if it wasn't for our dive instructors keen eye we would have missed it completely. Plans are to go again this Sunday... let's hope the weather plays along as it is the last chance I have before going away.

11 days to go... 11 days to go... 11 days to go... soon I'll start counting the hours, then minutes. I am soooooooo excited, although I realised yesterday that I need to stock up my winter wardrobe... but where do you think I can get winter clothes at this time of year (remember we in sunny South Africa are in the full swing of summer). When most people come here to escape the cold and snow I am doing the exact opposite. Oh well.. that is my mission for next week... find some winter clothes.

As for tonight... it will be taken up by baking the big-boy a birthday cake for the party tomorrow. He keeps changing his mind though as to what kind of cake he wants... so has left it to me to surpise him. I will post some pictures here once it is done.

Then finally... the tattoo hunt. I have found a few options but am still struggling to make up my mind. So... I am seeking input from all of you as to which one you like most... .I am leaning more and more to no. 9 (the numbers are beneath the images). I also quite like the Kanji symbols here.

My Baby is 4 today

I cannot believe just how quickly the last 4 years have passed by. I must be doing something right though to have such a wonderful little angel in my life.

Happy Birthday My Boy

Searching for Inspiration

Maybe it is just this time of year and my brain is slowly shutting down in preparation of the upcoming holiday (YEAH)... maybe it is the combination of too many functions (read alcohol) and not enough sleep... but I have been struggling to come up with any decent topics to write about and hence the SILENCE for the last week. Anyway, I am just going to ramble on here a bit about the goings on, or lack thereof, lately.

Well, as of last Friday, we are officially part of the B.I.G-Fish company and it is pretty much business as usual, except that they seem to be having some difficulty getting me onto their network which means that the WEALTH of information etc that is supposedly available for us is still out of my reach. Business as usual also means that I am once again left with NOTHING to do. We had started working on a new release of our project - as we had nothing else to do and instead of sitting here warming up the chairs we thought we would get some constructive work done knowing full well that the contract would eventually get signed as it is a rather critical project. HOWEVER B.I.G-Fish has decided to review all contract information and has told us to stop all work on this until it is signed.... expected D-Day for the big signing is end January (MAYBE). Thank God I only have one more week to sit here being a human-chair-warmer.

I am now getting extremely excited about my upcoming holiday. I'll be spending a week at home with the little'uns before Christmas and then on 26 December - off into the great blue yonder for 2 WHOLE WEEKS... Just me... No kids... No BEFH... No Work... No Nothing. This is soooo long overdue.

Oh... on another note... my wayward dive instructor got hold of me again this week. Now this is a LOOOOONG story, but basically I started a course early last year and just never finished it... for various reasons. I have done all the dives required with him and more... and had all but one lecture to complete and then to write the exam. Well he is now running another course that I am slotting into. This meant lectures last night to cover the topics I hadn't done yet, weather permitting a dive on Sunday and then the exam next Tuesday. I just realised this is the first time I have mentioned my diving here... that might be becuase the last time I got in the water was in February (long before I started this blog). I LOVE IT. It is one of the most amazing experiences I have had (and could ever have). To be under the water with only yourself (and your buddy), the peace and tranquility, the life... all you hear is the sound of your own breathing and maybe the occasional speed boat... It is truely amazing.

As for the upcoming weekend... busy busy busy again... starting this afternoon. Our team is having a end of year spit braai (the last in the silly-season-work-functions for me). Then tomorrow, myself and Ms C are going for a pamper session complete with facials and manicures/pedicures... this is my treat to her (and myself) as it was her birthda last week. Then on Sunday a dive if the water looks good... and inbetween all this I need to recap on all my dive notes in preparation for the exam on Tuesday.

Okay, well that is enough of my rambling for now :)

The rollercoaster is heading UP

Life seems to be taking a turn for the better recently, things are just falling into place, the gods are smiling upon me, and the roses are in bloom.

Since the last altercation with BEFH he has left us alone... finally... and all is well with the world (well at least my little one). My immediate concerns were what about my holiday (I really really don't want to cancel), where will the kids go? What about the house (he and I are both the registered owners - i.e. he still owns half of MY house)? What about my sanity? What about the funds to sort out the previous issues (house and holiday)? But you know what... it is all taken care of.

So here are the updates:

The Little'uns - will be going to my folks for the two weeks that I am away. My mom was meant to be working for the first of the two but has told the powers that be (and there aren't many as she is one of the directors) that she will be available from home for the first week and on leave in the second. The kids love staying there and are already getting excited at the prospects of two whole weeks of being spoilt rotten.

The House - I started making inquiries with a lawyer about 2 months ago about what we need to do to get the house transferred solely into my name, and yesterday I fetched the papers from him that will allow this to happen. This did mean that I had to make contact with BEFH as he needs to sign some of the paperwork, but he isn't putting up a fuss about it (seems to have gotten the hint). This does however mean that I need to pay transfer costs on half the property value, which brings me nicely to my next point.

The Money - At first I thought that I would have to take out a loan to pay the costs for the house (there is no bond registered so wouldn't be able to dig into those funds) and was heading out to the bank today to talk to the manager about getting a personal loan. I also have an investment account with funds that I had saved up over the years, however I didn't think that there was enough there to cover even half the amount I needed and that I was intending to use for my holiday accommodation and spending money. I decided to stop on the way and check... just for good measure... and guess what, I have enough there to cover the transfer and all the peripheral costs involved and have enough to spare for my holiday. I'M OVER THE MOON

and lastly... The Holiday - EVERYTHING is done... all that is left to do is for me to get on the plane. The tickets are booked and paid for, the hotels are booked, the visa's are all sorted and back with me... now just to wait the last few days till I get on the plane and head off into the wild blue yonder.

Pirate for a night

Friday night was our company's last ever year end function, as of 30 November we will no longer exist... small fish having been bought out by big fish, really B.I.G. fish. Anyway, being (currently) in the shipping industry the theme for the evening was imaginatively decided to be that of a Pirate Evening.

The venue was spetacularly decked out with black trimmings, tents, table cloths, silver place settings and candelabra's, what I can only assume was cottonwool threads made to look like cobwebs, eye-patches and gold and silver 'coins' on the tables, little rubber skeletons and bandana caps. Outside was a photographer set up to snap up pictures of all the happy couples in a lovely setting of treasure chests filled with coins and crowns (all plastic of course, not that that stopped people from walking out with most, if not all, of the evenings props). I arrived promptly at 6:45.. not the first, thank god, and was welcomed by delicious fruit-punch and rum (of course) cocktails. Slowly more and more people started trickling in until our numbers must have reached around 200 bodies, including Adumski and Yummy D, most with their partners (except for the three of us and a few others).

After everyone was seated the speeches started, including a video presentation of interviews and 'behind the scenes' goings on from within the company over the last 30-odd years that we have been in existence (can you believe there are a small handfuls of people who have been with the company since the year I was born and before). The drinks kept coming, for me white wine and cocktails - the kids were with their granny for the evening and I didn't have to hurry home - and then the food, which was unfortunately the lowlight of the evening.

The starters included a few pieces of greenery with a drizzle of roasted pepper, a few slices of feta and 5 (exactly 5) olives on every plate. Mains were a choice of half a chicken breast (cut in 5 slivers) with some rice and a small helping of veggies OR 2 cubes of sirloin with a spoonful of stirfry veggies. Dessert was something masquerading as a cheese cake. And then the music started.. I haven't been bombarded with that much 80's music since I attended my last wedding, but then again I am one of the youngest people in the company and this was right up everyone else's alley... and it was actually a BLAST. Seeing our MD on the dance floor (on of the first people up there as usual) bopping away with everyone else is a sight that I will call upon in memory whenever I need to smile.

I am normally very self conscious and almost uncomfortable in my own skin when it comes to being on a dance floor with everyone watching, but I threw caution to the wind and took the floor with Adumski to join the rest of our friends. I know, an odd word to use for colleagues, but that is the nature of the spirit we have in our company, everyone gets along and we have sooooo many CHARACTERS that every day and every event is always made enjoyable by them, and I have become friendly with many of my colleagues. And so we danced the night away.

The highlight of the evening was certainly sitting outside with Adumski and a few drinks and each of us with a crown (liberated from the photographers set props) on our heads, watching other people and how people change when they have a few drinks in them, with some of the most quiet placid people suddenly becoming boisterous and outgoing. We sat there chatting till we were LITERALLY the LAST two people to leave at 1:40AM.

The rest of the weekend started when I woke up at 7AM (damned that internal body clock) and then managed to coax myself back to sleep for another 2 hours before crawling out of bed around 9AM to fetch the kids and head off to the second booking of the weekend. My son's school carnival, which he has been looking forward to for weeks. The afternoon was spent relaxing on the couch and trying to find some energy for the evening poitjie at a friends house... now for those NON-SouthAfrican readers out there a poitjie is like a stew (normally mutton or beef, but in this case ox-tail) with everything thrown into a single pot on a fire and coals, and then left to simmer for most of the afternoon. It was a lovely evening, the kids thoroughly enjoyed it and my boy fell asleep on my lap after he had run off all his energy. All in all.. a lovely weekend.

Taking a tumble... and drama, drama, drama

On Monday night I had a once in a lifetime experience (and no, that is not necessarily a good thing... just something I'll probably NEVER EVER do again). I went speed dating... yes you read that correctly... S.P.E.E.D. dating. The evening was immense fun, but that is purely due to the fact that I went with 3 girl-friends. The four of us are all single and thought this would, at the very least, be a fun experience.

ANYWAY, we arrived at the venue about 15 minutes early (as requested by the organisers) and got ourselves some drinks (mostly to settle the nerves) , all the while being eyed out by the 'men' sitting at the bar... these are the same 'men' we were to be dating shortly afterwards. All the ladies (all 11 of us) were seated one per table armed with a pen and paper. The men (all 6 of them) arrive taking up their positions and the evenings events are explained. We get 3 minutes in total to talk to eachother before the men are ushered on and moved to the next table. Only 3 minutes you say, for most of them we managed to fill that time easily, but when you are confronted with someone who answers every question in one-word-answers then those 3 minutes feel like a lifetime.

As you may have guessed there were NO real prospects, well at least not for us, I hope that some of the other woman there managed to find someone that they would like to see again, but for the 4 of us... NOT A CHANCE. The 1 hour worth of 'dating' was then followed by a meal (lamb and fillet and chicken skewers with veggies and potato wedges... followed by a delicious chocolate fondue). However, when you are flirting more with the waiters than the prospective dates you know the evening aint going well.

The highlight (or lowlight as it may be) was my glorious tumble down a flight of stairs... luckily no-one was there to witness the spectacular feat. This happened on one of my bathroom trips and while I was stone-cold sober. As I started down the stairs I managed 2 steps and as I took the third my heel BROKE... my favorite pair of shoes... BROKEN. So now I have some lovely reminders of the evening, a ginormous bruise on my hip and knee and a twisted ankle.

As for the DRAMA... which seems to be the trend in my entries lately... the BEFH has now completely gone over the edge. I will not divulge the details here but he definitely needs help. He has hit absolute rock bottom, and I am convinced he is trying to pull me down with him. There is nothing more that I can do... I am exhausted, done, finished. I can and will no longer be made to feel responsible for him (and by that I mean responsible for finding him help). I had a chat with his mother now and have filled her in as much as I can and told her that she now needs to sort her son out. After the latest incident I no longer WANT him around me or my children (even though he has once again done the "I don't/won't see them again" thing).

I know I never asked for this (or otherwise I am being punished for something I did in a past life). At least this time round I am not doing this alone and was on the phone with my mom again tonight. I really don't know what it had to come to this for me to realise that I always had her there for me, but I never asked before.

And to top all of this off, we had clients/colleagues down from Copenhagen for the last 3 days, which has required me to be bright and perky and alert for meeting after meeting after meeting.

Right now I need sleep, so that is it from me for now.

Pic of the Week - My Family

A balletrina in the making... practicing for the upcoming exam... it really isn't easy always being the tallest in the class.

The light of my life... he is always ready with a smile and his laugh is contagious.

Here are my four legged and feathered children

Josie...

Mittens...

Nelson (the old man in the house)...

and lastly... Freckels

Taking back control... bit by bit

I am slowly getting myself out of the really bad place I have been in for the last week. Taking control of my life again, or at least trying to. I finally stopped crying yesterday, then it turned to anger and at least that I can deal with, I can rationalise it, get to the source and change it.

So what has changed? Well for starters I am no longer letting BEFH have any control over my emotions, I will NO LONGER expend any energy on him even in the form of anger (which as I have discovered is the most energy sapping emotions there is), he is simply not worth that amount of energy. The second thing that changed is that I ended "it" (whatever "it" was) with Irish... turns out he was a cowardly bastard after all... and that is all I have to say on that matter.

I also had a nice long chat with my mother last night... I am not one who easily asks for help, even if it is just for me to talk to someone, and for some reason my folks are always last on the list of people that I do talk to... so anyway, one of my closest, bestest friends (Lady B) contacted my mom yesterday and that led to my mom popping in for a visit which ended up in us chatting for a few hours. As I discovered yesterday I am more like her than I ever knew (or would ever have admitted in the past)... we are both stubborn and hard headed and strong willed and independent souls who cherish that independence above all else. Anyway, I always knew, and was reminded again last night, that I have their support 100% and that I should never hesitate to ask for that support when needed.

And as for support... Ms C (I know you are reading this too)... thank you, thank you and once again thank you... you know why.

So, in honor of rediscovering some good feelings... here are 3 things that made me happy today

1. My children... they put up with sooo much from me, and even though they can push my buttons like no-ones business, they also know when I am down and are ever ready with hugs and kisses...

2. My family and friends that are always there when I need them most... my mom, Lady B, Ms C, Yummy D

3. A glorious summer day in Cape Town... yes it was a little windy (well maybe more than a little as I discovered when the wind almost took off my skirt when I tried to cross the road) but this is the most beautiful city to be in right now.

Hormones? maybe...

I don't know what has got into me lately. The last two weeks I have been soo angry... angry at life, angry at God, angry at myself... and I am taking it out on the two people that spend the most time around me... my children. In the last two days this has suddenly turned to sadness... no, more than that... Heartache. The smallest things are setting me off, sitting here writing this post I am on the verge of tears for the 9th time today and about the 100th time this weekend.

I have been struck with an absolute feeling of despair, of confusion, of a lack of direction in my life... a feeling of existence instead of living. I have had a nervous breakdown before and been thrown into the grip of depression that only medical assistance could get me out of and avoid me taking my own life... I am NOT there now, I know the warning signs though and am worried that I may be heading that way again...

Yesterday I almost ended things with Irish... I had hit the lowest point of my day and he was the target of my aggression. Maybe I still should (end it that is) as I am no good to anyone at the moment... not that he would even know THAT... his list of priorities goes something like this:
work
socialising
work
mother
work
flat
work
dog
work
meeting new young single carefree childless spontaneous woman... no... GIRL

FUCK IT... why should I care, I have been the one saying all along that I don't want anything serious (and I DON'T). He has the potential to be a good, even a great, friend... and I am quickly ruining any chance of that at the moment. If he finds someone that is more suited to his way of life, then I am happy for him. I have witnessed him at his worst, with anger targeted towards a certain ex (of his) that was causing some problems in his life... and I stuck around... let's hope he can see my worst, and accept it. If not... then it is HIS loss.

You know what... I have just realised and remembered why I started this blog in the first place. It is a place for me to vent.. to let out these emotions and thoughts and ramblings instead of bottling them up inside as I always used to do. I am feeling a little bit better right now (even though I am sure it will be short lived - so expect an update this evening).

-------------------------------------------------------------------

*update*

Just when I thought my day was taking a turn for the better... when my ex-mother-in-law had taken the kids for a visit for a few hours, giving me a momentary respite and chance to breath and catchup on the housework that had been piling up this weekend, just when I had a quick lie down to recharge my batteries.... and I have a visit from BEFH!!!

This time he physically cornered me in the garden, again proclaiming his love and rambling on about how he should have fought for me when he had the chance. One of those many many many that I gave him through our 6 years of marriage.... or all the times I fought to save the marriage through our year of separation... including the times when I actually DID take him back only for him to fall straight back into his old habits...

Can you believe he physically stood in my way and wouldn't let me get past him. He even restrained me when I tried to get around him, and before you all shout domestic abuse... NO he did not strike me in any way. He doesn't operate like that... he is a manipulator of the mind and emotions. Normally I could put up with this, but he caught me at a week point today and for the first time in a long time he actually saw me crying, and I hate the fact that I let him see that he is getting to me, that he is having an emotional impact on me (even if it is anger and hate).

LIFE!!!

It's the shit that happens while you are making other plans.

What are your views?

I'm tested, I know...

I have had the most nerve wracking 28 hours of my life.

As you may know (or at least have guessed from the timer ticking down at the top of the site) I am going to Jordan at the end of the year. While there I have decided that I would like to see Damascus (Syria) at the same time. My tickets are bought, the hotels in Jordan booked and the next task was to investigate visa's.

Jordan was easy, they like South African's there. The visa's are free and you can collect them at the airport when you land, just show them your permanent SA passport and they give you the visa no-questions-asked. GREAT. THEN there is Syria. These can take up to a month to organise AND they require laboratory results of a recent HIV test. WTF was my first reaction...

Where the hell do I even start with this? was the thought going through my mind. I have had an aids test before for my life insurance policy earlier this year, but then they came to me to draw blood and then disappeared never to be heard from again. Well, my policy was approved so I assumed that the test result was negative. This time however, I had to purposefully find somewhere to specifically get tested for the HIVirus. The one place that I knew of close to my place of work seems to have closed (or moved or something, but no-one seems to know where it is). So, next best bet was my GP, luckily I had the paper to prove the visa requirement in response to the skeptical looks I got from him :)

"Do you have any reason to be concerned about the results?" He asked me.... well No, but you never really do know, do you?

Yes, I have started a new relationship recently, and yes I have taken a few unnecessary risks in the last year given our current AIDS situation in Southern Africa. You look at a person, take into account their history (or at least what they have revealed to you) and you take the precautions you deem necessary... but you can never be 100% sure until you are tested. So NO, I didn't feel that I had anything to be concerned about... However, think about what it is that is being tested... this is SERIOUS stuff, and to not be a little wary would be simply stupid.

So, anyway, this afternoon (about 28 hours after the blood was drawn) I returned to my GP to get my results. NEGATIVE.... YEAH.... THANK GOD

Now I can get my Syrian visa... let's see if they can get the paperwork done and get my passport back to me before I leave.

Soul mate: Fact or Fiction?

My mind very seldom slows down (although many would dispute that), and over supper I found myself contemplating the existence of soul mates. This while gnawing down on chicken drumsticks. While eating with my hands my thoughts jumped to a particular friend who refuses to eat with his hands - even burgers and pizza's get the knife and fork treatment. This is someone who I actually have a fair deal in common with, but enough differences to keep me intrigued at the same time.

Then from here my mind made the giant leap to the concept of soul mates (of course). What makes a person a soul mate, is it the things you have in common or the things that are different, or maybe it is a combination of the two? Do soul mates even exist at all or is it all just a figment of our fairy-tail-stimulated-imaginations?

What do you think???? Have you found your soul mate? and if so, HOW do you KNOW that they are the one??? Is there only one perfect person out there for each of us (if any)???

I am by nature a romantic, so I do (or at least used to) believe in the existence of this mythical match, but my experiences over the last 29 years (okay well at least the last 10) makes me doubt this belief slightly. Then I think back to my grandparents who made it to their 52n'd wedding anniversary. Now no-one other than them will ever know if they truly did attain this magical match, but hope they did, and then I have a glimmer of hope that I might find MY match one day...

the power of music... and response to anon...

Okay this is the hundredth time I am attempting to post this... blogger has been going into seizures since yesterday morning and keeps LOOSING my entries and comments.... AARRGGGGGGG. So here is the post that made it's first appearance yesterday.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning, getting into my car I found that there was very little decent music to listen to on the radio (as usual) and turned on my cd player. I had completely forgotten what was in at the time and was greeted by the following... Evolver: Stronger.

Music has always had a profound role in my life... there is almost never a time when there isn't something playing... like a soundtrack to my life. But the lyrics of this particular song were somehow just what I needed to hear this morning.

i see you there,
lying down when you should be getting up,
you in despair, all alone just take a stand,
you'll be alright.

all this time,
you found a way how to mend a broken heart,
look around and you will see the friends you got,
you not alone, no.

it gets stronger,
every little thing you do is bolder,
if you feel like crying, here’s my shoulder,
i aint afraid.

i see you high,
in the clouds don't care what the people shout,
you moving on with your life just take my hand,
we'll make it right.

looking back,
you wonder how you found the strength to carry on,
you needed time to make it right in your mind,
you are home... home

it gets stronger,
every little thing you do is bolder,
if you feel like crying, here’s my shoulder,
i aint afraid. i aint afraid.

I just wanted to share that with you all.





And to the anonymous commenter from last night on my post "A night to remember...", I have been trying to respond all morning, but blogger seems to have gone into shock and is refusing to update the comments... so here it is....

anon HMMMMMM I don't even know where to start in response to that.
Firstly, I love my kids more than you or anyone else could ever know and I am NEVER EVER EVER negative about their dad in front of them.

This blog is a place for me to vent and to talk and to blow off steam ANONYMOUSLY. Only a small handful of people here actually know who I am... and I have never used real names when referring to anyone.

As for Mr Irish... I do have peace in myself, but what is wrong with being with someone just for the sake of being with them... I have never had grand ideas of where this 'fling' is going. I am not looking for anything serious right now, he knows that, and we are both happy with where this is. As for a different type of man to love me for who I am and treat me the way I want to be treated... who ISN'T looking for that.

Friends... man, how pathetic do you think I am? Of course I phoned to find out what they were up to... and I do organise braai's etc. That was one particular night that I felt like going out and letting my hair down and unfortunately for me it was a last minute decision and everyone was busy.

Why the hell and I justifying myself to you, but you know what... keep your fingers crossed regarding the hunky locksmith :)

P.S. I must admit you have intrigued me... the fact that a complete stranger has taken any interest in my life based on my insane ramblings here :)

Please feel free to e-mail me and we can continue this discussion… InsanelySingle at gmail dot com

The BEFH: The Saga Continues

Maybe it is just me (I doubt it), but just in case I am throwing this out for comment. My ex has decided that the following is completely logical and sensical... This is the culminating statement of last night's fiasco... "Well if I can't see you then I don't want to see the kids either!". WTF.

Someone please explain to me on what planet that makes sense. His 'explanation' of this statement is that he sees me and the kids as one unit and cannot separate his love for us. Therefore the fact that I have told him to fuckoff out of my life once and for all means that he feels he cannot stand to see the kids again either.

This all came about after I got home yesterday after my sons concert (which was soooo cute) to find that he had set up a complete candle lit dinner in MY lounge, and me completely loosing my cool and telling him it is unacceptable, unwanted, invasion of privacy (AGAIN), I'll be changing my locks and getting a restraining order against what I now consider to be a stalker. "But I die a little bit each time I walk away from you" he said... to which I responded that he must just fuckoff and die now as I NEVER EVER EVER want to see him again other than at kid exchanges.

AARRRGGGGGGGG

You know what... good riddance to bad rubbish is all I can say.

By the time he left I was soooo frazzled by the events of the evening, and was left quite upset and even sad... but let me explain why before you start thinking that I still have an iota of feeling for the man.

Why was I upset... well for 2 reasons... one selfish and one not

1. My children... How do I explain to them that their father doesn't want to see them again? Do I bother trying to explain it at all? As much as I can't stand the sight of him anymore, they do still need a father in their lives... Especially my son

2. My 'me' time (the time I had to myself when they went to their father) is now gone. It is not that I want to get away from my kids (couldn't be further from the truth). But those fortnightly breaks help me to restore some of my sanity, and unwind and have some adult conversation. My time to just do what I want, when I want and how I want. But more than THAT... what will I do with them now during my planned, booked and paid for holiday at the end of the year.

This is not the first time he has pulled this 'stunt', but the big difference is that in the past I would give in (due to above 2 reasons) and put up with him and his presence in my life. BUT NOT ANYMORE. As for the rest, well... I'll survive, I always do... and I am going to have to start relying on family more.

A night to remember... Fatal blogging mistake... And the EX from HELL

WOW, WOW, WOW, Incredible, Fantastic, Spectacular... Last night was in a word... AMAZING.

This is the third time I have had the pleasure of seeing LIVE in concert in Cape Town and each time they get better and better - as does the crowd. I went with Ms C and met up with her sister and BIL. We also tracked down Adumski & Samwise and a few of their friends (A... You are off the proverbial hook for now). Later Yummy-D was spotted (although that is not a difficult thing as this 6'4" person stands out in the crowd a little) with L2.

It was an evening of incredible music and much dancing, singing (shouting) and FUN. The Parlotones were the opening act for the evening and they were also SUPERB... they had the crowd up and on their feet from the very first song and what followed was 4 hours of ROCK. YEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. Needless to say my feet and voice are suffering a little this morning... but it was WELL WORTH IT.

Irish was there aswell although he had managed to secure golden circle tickets with a backstage pass through a friend (proving again that it is WHO you know not WHAT you know that counts), and HERE lies my fatal blogging mistake. Not long after I met him I, in a moment of madness, told him about my blog. This has meant that I have been censoring my entries concerning him a little... but not any more.

IRISH... if you are reading this... please be warned that this is a place for me to vent anonymously and let off steam when needed... so keep that in mind when reading any future entries... better yet... stop reading them.

And now for the slimy, manipulative, bastard ex from hell.

Last week I told him about the fact that I had met someone... and that is all I told him. This then sent him into a 5 day sulk from which he emerged last night. Seeing as I was going out for the evening, he came to babysit the kids and in the 20 minutes that I was at home for a quick change out of work attire and freshening up to go out he cornered me and continued to profess his undying love for me.

AARRRGGGGGG, does this bastard just not get it. When we were married he was never around... when we were separated he couldn't give a flying fuck about trying to fix things... now, almost 2 years after we were divorced, after I have made peace with the fact that it is over and am no longer angry/depressed/sad, after I have moved on and a statement like that simply has NO MORE EFFECT ON ME... he has the audacity to tell me that he has never loved me as much as he does now, and how he can't live without me, and then fucking tries to kiss me. KISS ME.... it was all I could do not to bitch-slap him. He is a leach.... no... worse than that... he is a microbe that lives in the slimy scum of a leach.

For the sake of the kids I have been trying to keep a friendship going between him and I, but I simply cannot do this anymore. My life is complicated enough, and it is time to start removing some of these complications. I foresee all the locks at home being replaced very very soon, and all kid exchanges happening in public venues from now on. He is still their father and I will have to put up with him at all school events and important day's in their lives... but I will no longer tolerate him in MY home.

Pic of the week

The great thing about being small is that your mouth is at just the right level to shovel food off your plate.



Careful inspection of the semi-precious gems at the Scratch Patch. Let's see if this one makes the grade and get's taken home.



My little sun god'let. He is MUCH more content to lie in the sun than get in the water.



And lastly my waterbaby.... getting her OUT of the water is next to impossible

LIVE in Concert TONIGHT

7 hours and counting

Where did all my single friends go?

I have found myself in an odd situation. I love socializing but the life I have led over the last 7 years has meant that I am sitting here tonight ACHING to go out and have a few drinks and dance and relax and socialize but have NO ONE to do it with.

When I was in high school and at varsity I had many many friends that I would do just this with. Not one weekend went by without a something happening till the wee hours of the morning. Then I got knocked up and married and THAT became my whole life for 6 years. I have completely lost contact with 99% of those friends (and only have myself to blame for that) and replaced them with equally good married or single-parent friends.

Don't get me wrong... They are great friends but it means that when I have a free weekend (kids with their dad) and want to go out on a Friday night I will have to do it alone...

Lady-B - at home with her family (husband and 3 sons) and enjoying some rare quality time with them
The Empress - out on a date with Mr S
Theater-girl - single, but has some function happening at the theater and can't go out, as much as she would like to
Adumski - well... Still working on that one... Never comes to any event I have invited him to, and so have got to the point where I am about to stop asking
Yummy-D - at home babysitting his daughter while his wife visits her ailing mother (now this one I can't fault)
Ms C - let's just say she is more of a homebody and really does not enjoy the club/pub scene much at all

Now I have found myself single again and desperately in need of building my circle of single friends... Somehow... hmmmmm. Bit of a catch 22 though because you need to be socializing to meet new people in the first place.

Anyway, on a cheerier note. I now have my tickets to Jordan in December in my hot little hands. It turned out a bit more expensive than expected as I completely overlooked the fact there people are traveling for pilgrimage at that time of year and the airline I wanted to fly with (one of the best and cheapest) - Qatar Airline - is fully booked. So have managed to secure myself place on an Emirates flight at twice the price. Oh well. I am still bloody excited though. Cannot wait. Leave 26 December 2006 and back 8 January 2007.

Doing the touristy thing...

I have lived in Cape Town all my life, and one of the things that we Capetonians tend to do is take our beautiful surroundings completely for granted. However, having kids you get to enjoy some of the things you never took time for... let me explain.

On the weekend we had absolutely glorious weather. Now my normal weekend routine would be shopping and groceries and maybe some gardening and movies. However this weekend I decided to pack the kids and show them some of the sites that I haven't been too since I was a kid myself. So off we headed to Simon's Town (a quaint little naval town). Our first stop was Boulders Beach to see the penguin colony... and believe it or not this is the first time in my (almost) 29 years that I have been there. Here we were joined by a busload of German tourists. Unfortunately it was a little windy, but when did that ever stop a determined mother :)

After our commune with the little birds in their tuxedo's we headed back into the town itself and took a nice long walk along the main road stopping at some quaint bakeries and antique shops and all the typical beachy/tourist traps. This was followed up by a delicious meal at Bertha's - hmmmm calamari and kingklip. Here we were joined by no less than 2 busloads of Japanese tourists.

From here we took a scenic drive over the mountain to Noordhoek and then around the famous Chapmans Peak. This is a particular road that I used to travel often... when I needed a break, just to get away look out at the ocean and just chill. Unfortunately the vegetation in this area was destroyed in a massive fire a few years back after which the road was closed for a long time due to dangerous rock falls. After various rehabilitation efforts and massive nets were erected to catch these boulders, the road was reopened as a toll road. This was the first time since then that I actually drove on this road again. And it is still one of the most beautiful drives to do in the world.

This takes you in to Hout Bay and here we were greated with the site of a pod of Southern Right Whales playing in the bay. So we pulled off the road into one of the picnic spots and just stood and watched them for ages. What spectacular creatures. Then into Hout Bay for the most incredible ice cream you ever did eat.

Now THAT was the way to spend 6 hours in Cape Town.

Appreciate the little things

One day...

The father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son... How was the trip?

It was great, Dad.
Did you see how poor people live? the father asked.
Oh yeah, said the son.
So, tell me, what you learned from the trip? asked the father.

The son answered:

I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end…

…We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond

…We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them.

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?

Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Alive and Kicking (almost)

I have tried three times now to start this post... but my brain is simply not putting any coherent thoughts together. I have been ill for the last week and my head still seems to be suffering some side effects of the lack of nutrition. I have had a throat infection which has made eating almost impossible - however the doctor seems to have a sadistic side and prescribed the biggest bloody tablets he could find... two of them twice a day.

I have snippets of many things that I would like to tell you all about, so I am just going to let them be told in the way that they spill out onto my keyboard this evening.

I am the proudest mother in Cape Town this week. My daughter (grade 1) was awarded a merit award for artwork that was entered into the eisteddfod. A beautiful drawing of a flower. This time of year also starts getting very very busy with them. They have school concerts and galas and fetes and and and... I have completely lost track of what is happening to the point that I am writing EVERY SINGLE thing up on a calendar in the kitchen (something I really should do more often).

Irish is well... we are in contact every day even though we only get to see each other about once a week. I spent the day with him on Saturday again, visited with him mom... boy the stories she has to tell of her days as a doctor in the military and the things that used to go on at base. We took his 'son' Codi (a BEAUTIFUL red-and-white Siberian Husky) for a walk - or at least he took us for a walk... what a lovely animal. Irish loves him to bits and he (the dog) seems to have taken a liking to me as well. Add puppy-charmer to my resume. I have hunted the net looking for a picture that would do some justice to show you just how beautiful he is... but alas.. none to be found. I am just going to have to take some of my own and post here.

Oh, he (Irish) has also invited me to join him at his companies year-end function. Read what you will into that (or the fact that I have yet to invite him to mine... hmmmmmmm).

On other news, I noticed yesterday that posters have started going up around town for the LIVE concert at the end of the month. My tickets are secured (and safely locked away for the last month) and seeing these posters has really started to get me excited.

My brain is now completely on the fritz. See you all on the otherside of sanity.

Fun Friday

Girls Night Out (and no! this is NOT me)...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I Cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 2 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Roll on Weekend

Now THIS is the type of weather forecast I want to see before EVERY weekend.... ROLL ON SUMMER

New Years Abroad

Up to now I have not mentioned my planned holiday to Jordan at the end of the year as it has been on-again-off-again planning. I started planning this holiday a few months ago and no sooner had I got some details together and the Israel-Lebanon 'thing' started. So I decided to hold off all plans until things settled down again. That happened and planning resumed only to hear the same day that the American embassy in Damascus was attacked. So on came the breaks once more.

HOWEVER, things have been very quiet, for a few weeks now at least, and I have decided to throw what little caution I had to the wind and go for it. It is not everyday that an opportunity like this presents itself and I am going to take it.

A very close friend of mine, one that I have known since high school days, is currently teaching in Amman, and I will be staying and traveling with her. She has worked in a few places already (including Japan and Casablanca) and has always said that I must come and and stay with her, but until now I have not actually taken her up on this. This will also be my first long holiday away from the kids (they will be staying with their father for 2 weeks) - excluding a 5 day business trip to Copenhagen last year.

Here are the plans so far.

Leave Cape Town on the morning of 26 December, aboard the ONLY airline that flies to that area of the world out of Cape Town (all other are ex- Johannesburg). After a 13 hour flight I will be overnighting in Doha (Saudi) and hopefully will be able to see some of that city before departing for Amman at noon the next day for a 2 hour flight to Jordan.

Then, spend a day and a half in Amman before traveling to Petra. A 2 day pass will give us ample time to walk the sites (possibly some horse / donkey riding) and take in the history of the place.

From Petra, travel up to the Dead Sea, and see in the New Year - I still cannot believe we are only 2 months away fro 2007 (I have only just got used to it being 2006). Spend my first day of 2007 soaking up the salt water and mud and shedding all the stress of the previous year gearing up for the new one.

Then a quick boarder crossing into Syria and up to Damascus (one of the oldest continuously inhabited cities in the world) - oh the history, the culture, the art, the silver and of course the leather. I am going to be in shopping heaven. Giving ourselves about two and a half days to 'do' Damascus before heading back to Amman for my last day or two.

I then await the pleasure of the 15 hours in a confined space for the return flight. At least this time it will only be a 2 hour stopover before the long haul to Cape Town.

I AM SOOOOOOOOO EXCITED I cannot contain it any more.

Unexplained fevers and sleep deprivation

Today I am exausted... my mind is no longer functioning correctly... and any form of coherant speach is not to be expected.

I have had (almost) no sleep in 3 days now. Why? because at this moment I have 2 sick children with absolutely NO explination of what is wrong.

It all started on Wednesday with my son (3yrs) complaining about not feeling well. Seeing as he is only in creche and won't miss anything by staying away, I left him at home with the nanny for the day. By the time I got back from work he had a raging fever - so off I dash to take him to the doctor. Full checkup and NOTHING... no ear infection, no throwt or lung infection, stomach is fine and no visual signs of meningitis (phew)... just a fever and a headache. And that is how it has continued since with him. Okay during the day, but at night a soaring temp and fever-shivers. The only course of action I can take is trying to cool him down and keep him dosed up on Ponstan and Panado.

But, wouldn't you know it... as soon as he is showing signs of getting better, my daughter (7yrs) comes down with what seems to be the same thing. Again, off to the doctor to do a check up and set my mind to rest that there isn't something more sinister going on, and again the same outcome. NOTHING.

While there the GP indicated that they had seen a number of similar cases over the last few days... unexplained fevers and headaches. The only idea being that it is some kind of flu virus doing the rounds in children and adults (which does not bode well for me...)

What all this has done to my sleep patterns is throw them into complete disaray... have you ever tried sharing a bed with two sick, feverish, restless children who insist on cuddling with mommy when they are not feeling well... in the infamous words of Faithless - "I can't get NO SLEEP"

New Discoveries... Meeting the Mother... and taking it as it comes

Meeting the mother.... hmmmmm, yup... I had the pleasure of meeting Mrs. Irish on Sat eve IN MY PAJAMA's. Now here is a looooooooong story, but the highlights are as follows:

Irish was heading to my place for a movie and ... On the way he stopped to get take aways at Canal Walk... and then his car (BMW diesel) had a problem with the DDsomething (I'm NOT a car person). So being the good Samaritan type, off I head to assist.
Anyway, to cut this even shorter... we got a call from him mom for him to go help with something, so a quick stop at her house on the way to mine and I have the pleasure of chatting to her in my pj's. Now luckily my pj's are the kind that look somewhat like a nice track pants and t-shirt so I could get away with this.

Anyway, Irish has subsequently informed me (with a slightly shocked expression) that she actually likes me... it appears this is quite an achievement. Just call me the mommy-charmer :)
I seem to have a way with mothers, they all seem to think that I am sweet and innocent and trust their sons with me. Little do they know...

As for a progress report however, we have agreed to just take things as they come, no expectations of a particular outcome.

And now on to the new discoveries.... all thanks to Irish :) and in no particular order as they are all FANTASTIC

discovery no. 1:
ThinkGeek.com every geeks one stop shop for everything from lightsabers, t-shirts, plush toys, games, etc etc etc etc. This has already given me hours of browsing fun, and here is the link to my WishList. I have accumulated items to almost $300 and even though I will probably never ever get round to ordering them it is still a list of my favorite finds.... so far

discovery no. 2:
The Quote Database (aka bash.org)... anyone who has ever been on IRC or mIRC will appreciate this one. It is updated daily by fellow irc'ers with their favorite quotes or snippets of conversations had. Again, HOURS and HOURS of fun. As a start I suggest looking at the latest additions, but be warned... once you start you can't stop

discovery no. 3:
A decent ROCK show on the Radio... about bloody time is all I can say. I had the joy of listening to Barney Simon this week, standing in for the regular Mo G, on the breakfast rock show. All this on Radio 2000 (99.1 or 99.5 FM in Cape Town) of all places. WOW. But be warned... apparently it is between 6 and 9 am, however when I tuned in this morning I was woken by gospel. Now, I have nothing against gospel music... but when I am expecting Nickleback or Prime Cirlce or Parlotones it was a rude shock. They do however seem to continue the rock theme for most of the day as I discovered yesterday when driving home.

Fun Friday

Thanks to The Yak for putting me on to this... the wiki Uncyclopedia... it is fast becoming my new favourite read

In particular the 'History of Cape Town'

If this is the only new site you add to your list this month it is well worth it.

Progress Report

How much to divulge??? Knowing you all you will want every juicy saucy detail... but knowing me you'll know that I won't give it :)

Things with Irish are moving much faster than expected. I am thoroughly enjoying his company and the attention, being made to feel special again for the first time in a long time... and playing truant from work for 3 hours yesterday afternoon was lovely... sushi lunch and eachothers company.

(and I know you can all see the 'but' coming)

BUT here is my dilemma...
am I falling for him?
or am I falling for the attention that I am getting for the first time since my divorce?
and if it is the latter is that necessarily a bad thing?

I keep getting this feeling that I should be keeping my options open... BUT I am not someone who can do that... who can have a "relationship" (whatever that is) with someone and not give it all of my attention... BUT like I said, this is the first man after my ex and maybe I should just enjoy it for what it is and not over analyze things as I always do.

So far we haven't made any commitments to eachother (at least not verbal) and I have come to the conclusion that I will just enjoy the moments with him for what they are... those moments and nothing more.

God I love this City

View of Table Mountain from Blauberg Beach... one of the most beautiful sites in the world.

Sunset from the same beach... who could ask for more.

Dinner and.... um....

I have never been one to 'kiss and tell', but that statement by itself will hint at the goings on of last night.

Irish (as he will be known from now on) invited me to dinner and a movie at his place. Now considering that I had an office function on during the afternoon followed by drinks, I arrived at his house rather relaxed to start off with.

What a view from his place... over the city bowl and the entire bay, but very definitely a bachelors pad (not that that is a bad thing) going for the minimalist look. Dinner was lovely, accompanied by a bottle of wine and followed by a movie.... well almost. Unfortunately we got a little distracted and I missed most of it :)

I can definitely give him the two thumbs up in the kissing department though, so it seems that prospects are improving with this one :) I did however get home at a reasonable hour (if 11 PM can be considered reasonable on a work night) and am very much looking forward to the next one.

Better late than never

YESTERDAY was International Talk Like A Pirate Day...
and thanks to Andrew I found this....

My pirate name is:

Mad Bess Rackham

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

All is quiet on the Western Front

I know I know... blog of the week and then NOTHING, and to those of you concerned enough to e-mail me inquiring about my wellbeing... thanks.

Work has been keeping me rather occupied lately, that and a complete lack of anything interesting happening in my life (well almost) has meant that the interest level of anything that I may write about would be low enough to put even the most hyperactive 2 year old into a comma. Hence the quiet.

So this is just a quick note to blogland to say that I am still alive and kicking and to update on a few happenings.

Update 1: Car
My new baby is still driving like a dream. There was a minor problem with the central locking, but that was very quickly sorted out. My sound system has been getting WELL used, as anyone driving home in the afternoons would attest to after witnessing a silver Yaris with Prime Circle, Evolver and Tchaikovsky (don't ask) blaring out the speakers come roaring past them up Eastern Boulevard. I LOVE MY NEW BABY.

Update 2: Work
Even though I am rushed off my feet I AM BORED S#%$LESS at the moment. ENOUGH SAID.

Update 3: Weight
Well, I did fall off the wagon a little but have jumped right back on and am doubling efforts to get to my goal. Robert, you should start seeing movement in the meter again soon.

Update 4: Dating Prospects
Well, I can now say that I have met the first person (in person) off the site. I wouldn't class it as an official date, but coffee and ice cream and good company at the waterfront was how a lovely Saturday afternoon was spent. He seems to be a really nice guy... you know the kind I would normally dismiss (see previous posts about destructive patterns)... but I am still getting to know him and as yet cannot comment on whether this is going to go anywhere. At the very least, I think I have made a new friend.

That is it for now. Till life becomes more interesting.

-------------------------------------

*UPDATE*

I only just noticed now that I completely missed my 1000th hit. Yeah me... site counter now on 1279 so must have been a while ago.

I am BLOG OF THE WEEK - now where do I claim my prize

Due to an absolutely CHAOTIC week at work I have only now had a chance to read through all my regular visits and catchup with what is happning in the world of those we have come to know over this medium... and guess what I found.... Michael as listed ME (lowly old me) as his blog of the week (see here) on the South African Blog Directory

This was just the pick-me-up I needed at the end of the week.

Laid Back West Coast Attitude

3674-21A
Originally uploaded by m_from_ct.

I have finally gotten around to scanning in my pictures from the expedition to Die Strandlooper last month which brought back good memories. Among them (the memories and the photos) was this one... how to tell the weather - West Coast Style. Attched to the sign there is a rope leading down to a rock... on the sign is the following:

West Coast Weather
If the rock is :-
DRY:- It's a nice day
WET:- It's raining
WHITE:- Snow
BLACK:- Night
GONE:- A bit of fog

Self destructive patterns

I had an epiphany on the way home today, sparked by a coincidental “non-meeting” – but I will get to that later. I realised that I am stuck in a vicious circle of self destructive behaviour. Maybe behaviour is not the right word… attractions then. Even though the men that I have been attracted to over the years have all been very different they all end up being completely wrong for me on so many levels.

Humans tend to focus on the negative, we all do it unless we have reached a point of consciousness where we can recognise our actions and thoughts as negative and reverse them, but if like me you haven’t, then those negative things in life... the ‘bad’ qualities in people that we would rather steer clear from are the things that are foremost on our minds, but the double edge to that sword is that we also tend to attract the things that we are focused on. The mind is truly a powerful thing… cruel at times, but powerful. So the more we try to find the negative things in people the more we WILL find them, either because we created them by looking for them or because we attracted them to ourselves in the first place.

I have been looking at (well at least thinking of) some of my past relationships tonight all because of a chance sighting. On the way home, driving along my usual route, stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Eastern Boulevard I looked over to my left and saw someone I hadn’t seen in 9 years. When I was young and naive and let loose on the world at university, he was my first conquest (although I most certainly was not his first – or last for that matter). For a split second I thought, let me see if I can get his attention, maybe we can meet up (and then hook up)… and a split second after that I wanted to slap myself. This is a man that hurt me in ways that took years to heal, who showed me that the world is cruel and dark and unsafe, and that was when, like a bolt of lightning from the blue, I noticed what my mind was doing.

Thinking back on all these men/boys that have defined my relationships up until now I suddenly realise that the ones that were actually decent and gentle and kind are the ones that I always pushed away. The one that would cook me a meal and entertain me for the evening without trying to ‘cop a feel’ afterwards I always shrugged off as boring. The ones who would actually look out for me and stand up for me I would dismiss as old-fashioned.

BUT, the ones that I knew from the onset were nothing but trouble, the ones who were “worldly-wise” (although I am not sure how wise you can really be at 19/20), the smooth talkers who knew exactly what to say and do were the ones I was attracted to. They somehow radiate a sense of confidence of self-assurance, a coolness that is ever so enticing. They are the one night stands, the unreturned phone calls, the compulsive liars, the addictive personalise (both chemical and non), the manipulators and bastards.

Then there are the unavailable ones, the forbidden fruit. These are the ones that play on my mind, where I can drive myself insane without them ever realising that they are at the epicentre of my madness. The men that have already been snagged by woman who have absolutely NO IDEA just how lucky they are. Suddenly I feel like a kid who has been told they are not allowed to have that sweet and is about to throw a temper tantrum to try and get it.

Tonight for the first time my eyes are WIDE OPEN, I am seeing my behaviour for what it is, self destructive. What is done is done and there is nothing that I can say or do to magic it all away as if it never happened. I need to make peace with my past, acknowledge it for what it is (at the very least a learning experience) and put it behind me. As for my present, I need to accept the fact that certain people can only, and will only ever be friends and to cherish those friendships with very special people. My future… well who knows really. I am older and wiser but I have much yet to learn about true love… maybe now I will start opening my mind and attract Mr. Right.

Better than… ?

Last week I decided it was time for some pampering and that a massage would be in order. It has been a good few years since I last had one and I really just needed to de-stress. Instead of going to someone who practices out of their house or has a small shop somewhere I decided to treat myself to the full SPA experience. So on Saturday morning I went off to the Vineyard Hotel Spa for a deep tissue massage (what they call their Ibu’s Secret).

After being welcomed, followed by a short wait in their relaxation area with a cup of green tea, this sweet Asian woman greeted me and led me into one of the suites. WOW, the rooms are beautifully decorated, each looking out onto a private garden, with sun streaming in through huge sliding doors. All the rooms have 2 massage beds for couples wanting to have the experience together, although for me only one was required. Each also has a spa bath and shower with relaxing music flowing through the hidden built in sound system and the room kept at a constant temperature through the air-conditioning system.

What followed can only be described as the most relaxing and sensual experience I have had in a long time. A full body deep tissue massage, from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, using oils with hints of spices that caused the whole room to fill with the most exotic aroma. Starting with the back and shoulders using just the right amount of pressure to work out all the kinks that had built up, down to the legs and feet, on to the stomach and arms and hands, then face and head and finished off with the neck and shoulders. A full hour of pampering.

I am a very tactile person and adore (crave maybe) contact with another person, and this for me was the ultimate indulgence. The only thing that could have toped this off was if it was HIM I was receiving the massage from… and here in lies the only problem with this experience. I can never turn my mind off. Even though this was incredibly relaxing, my mind is always active… normally it isn’t an issue, but during this experience I found that I just couldn’t get HIM out of my head. I kept having to jolt my mind and try to force myself not to think about him, which was only momentary until he popped into my thoughts again.

Once the session is over you are treated to hot, spicy, ginger tea and melon, and get to relax and take in the ambiance of the place before donning your clothes and making you way out the door, stopping to pay for the luxurious extravagance on your way out. For someone who hasn’t got any in two and a half years… it really was better then sex.

VIP Visitors

After reading Kyk and Katt's volumous re-telling of the same, I fear that I will never do either of them any justice. They got to spend 4 glorious days in each other’s company and allowed me a momentary glimpse for a few hours on Sat.

The interactions started on Friday around lunchtime with taunting messages from Kyk about how they were enjoying the splendid spring day at Kirstenbosch. Unfortunately I did not get to see Kyk talking to the goose, the flowers or the butterfly... I missed the red-neck-teeth and talking to the turd-in-the-toilet... however having these events retold was a sight to see in itself as they were both still in hysterics.

Saturday evening was in a word... SUBLIME... Having met Kyk once before for coffee ("Kyk and coffee" HAHAHAHAH) I kind of knew what I was letting myself in for. When Katt said that she laughed so much that her cheeks hurt, she was in no way exaggerating. Kyk is truly one of the most naturally funny people I have met, it is absolutely effortless (or at least he makes it appear such).

They arrived bearing food and flowers, and after being ushered into the house carefully navigating the over excited kids and pets we settled into an evening of good food, good wine, excellent company and hilarious conversation. My house has what people fondly refer to as an open plan kitchen-dining room (which is a polite way of say crap small kitchen and dinning area shoved into one room) which at least makes it quite easy for people to sit at the table and hold a conversation with the person in the kitchen (in this case... Kyk).

Dinner was superb... all prepared for us by Kyk. Food always seems to taste that much better when someone else cook's it. And the conversation flowed from power tools and oversized drillbits to hunting, toy shopping, loves (of the current/potential and unrequired varieties), life and everything in-between.

After supper I was introduced to a new game... Pass-the-pig (you are now hearing from the self-proclaimed Regional Champ), followed by even more alchol (for Katt and myself) and ended with talk of elephants.

Definitely an evening worth repeating.

Fun Friday - Best Irish Joke EVER

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can justget to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flatonhis face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink lastnight?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

HAVE A TERRIFIC WEEKEND ALL!!

Yaris sir, That's MY car!!!!!

Taking delivery this afternoon.... YIPPEE... HOORAY....




--------------------- UPDATE ---------------------

Typically the dealer made a boo-boo. I got there at 3PM after being told that the car should be ready around 12:30, only to find that I had to wait 30 min as it was still on it's way. Okay, fine that gives us time to get through the last of the paperwork, etc without me being distracted every 2 sec to stare in awe at my new vehicle. ANYWAY, 30 min pass and up pulls a brand new WHITE Yaris. I ORDERED A SILVER ONE.

So the rest of my afternoon was spent on the phone contacting insurance brokers to put make sure that my OLD car is still insured so that I can drive off with it (even though it is now owned by the Toyota Dealership as they baught is as a trade in), and take the 'new' car off the insurance. The dealer now has to phone the bank with the new car details (at least they have a silver one at their depot available for me tomorrow after it goes to have MY central locking and alarm system fitted)... the bank then has to draw up NEW papers for me to sign and then back to the dealer tomorrow. FUN FUN FUN

Who are we REALLY??

On the weekend I had a discussion with a fellow blogger (over a cup of decaf Americano) about how we show different faces to different people and situations. How, for example, someone who is completely outgoing and extroverted on their blog can actually be very shy and quiet and melancholy in person. Or how we only show portions of ourselves and all of us have these HUGELY busy lives and things going on that no one ever really finds out about. I have always tried to be as true to myself as possible here, in other words the personality I have here is pretty much how I am (those of you who actually know me are welcome to comment on that one), BUT I will admit that there are large parts of my life that I do not mention here (or at least only hint at), but then again, I don’t talk about these things with anyone in the real world either (bestest bestest friend excluded). However, something momentous is happening in my life at the moment (not necessarily good, but positive in the long run) and I am going to loose my pensive self for the duration of this post and let you all in.

Background (in a nut shell)

My ex-husband is an emotionally manipulative, obsessive compulsive, jealous, control freak. Surprisingly though, when I was married to him I was young and naive in the middle of this and didn’t always see him for what he is, and when I did I would always try and make excuses for him and explain it away. It wasn’t until very near the end of my marriage that I started to really see him for what he is (something that everyone besides myself saw up to that point)… hindsight is 20/20 right? After a long drawn out divorce process of me trying to get us to come to some sort of agreement without getting lawyers involved only for him to change his mind or refuse to sign the papers at the 11th hour, I decided to go ahead with the original summons and just get the divorce. So in the end we parted (in the legal sense) with a basic divorce, visitation (I have custody) and maintenance amount set down. However, the house, which is still registered in both our names, remained as is. I honestly thought we could make this work, even with everyone telling me that all it is doing is giving him an in, a certain level of control over us as he still sees that house as his home.

Over the last 18 months he has slowly embedded himself back in our lives (or attempted to), he honestly thinks he can come and go as he pleases, that we will always be there to welcome him in. He even has the audacity to loose his temper at me if I decided to go with the kids and he comes around and we aren’t there. He insists on buying flowers (which he knows ends up in the bin) and gifts and offers of weekends away (if he had put in half this effort when we were married things may have turned out differently – well MAYBE), even after I turn down every single offer and tell him for the 100th time to drop the pseudo-family friendly-friendly bulls$!t. Whenever he finds himself backed into a corner there is one of two cards that get played… either the “woe is me, you only want everything, well then… take it all I don’t care” scenario gets played out OR the “I’m depressed and if I can’t see the kids everyday then I don’t want to see them at all, I’m going to work overseas or kill myself” scene. On the rare occasion, both – last night being case in point.

Growing up

I am, and have always been, the kind of person who tries to make sure that EVERYONE is happy. Putting everyone else’s feelings before my own, heaven forbid I should cause someone to be upset or hurt by something that I have said or done. Over the last year however I have made peace with everything that happened between us and am making a concerted effort to move forward with my life. And one of the big changes that comes with that is the realization that I need to come first sometimes, particularly when it comes to ‘HIM’. I have wasted far too much time and energy already trying to make sure I don’t ‘hurt’ him (can you believe it after all that he has put me through). I no longer allow myself to be manipulated by him.

LAST NIGHT

After yet another weekday visit which results in him staying for dinner, he phones me later in the evening going on about “family” trips away to Natures Valley at which point something in me snapped… a switch was suddenly flicked and the doormat that was… is no more. I am sick and tired of sugarcoating everything I say to him, and so laid out the law in no uncertain terms. NO weekends away are EVER going to happen. All gifts/flowers/choc/etc will end up in the bin. The happy-family crap is going to stop NOW. He needs to get out of his self-absorbed, self-centered little world and acknowledge and accept the part the HE played in the breakup of our marriage. And True to form, he pulled both ace cards out his sleeve. “You take everything and I am never seeing the kids again”. Now, I am not a bitch in any form, and as much as I am really tempted to do just that, I cannot and will not. I have never had any intention of keeping the kids from him or “taking him to the cleaners” leaving him with nothing. Although it is really tempting right now.

He no longer has any control over our lives.
I need to get hold of a property lawyer and figure out how much it will cost to buy him out of the house (and if I cannot afford to then it will be going on the market).

So, even though I am fluctuating between laughing/shouting for joy and crying/breaking down in a heap on the mat… I know that all this IS A GOOD THING. I am stronger for it and will come out on top in the end.

Who ever said life would be easy

My bed is not my own!!!

Maybe it is a winter thing, hopefully, but over the last 3 months I can count on one hand the number of occasions that I have woken up alone in my own bed. Normally I am cramped, one dead arm because I have been lying on it most of the night as on my left is a little man and on my right a young lady. Yes, I have an extra length Queen size bed, which in any normal family would be more than ample, but not with these 2 additions. All 3 of us actually like to spread out, have our space around us and this is where the problem comes in. On a few occasions I have actually resorted to sleeping in one of their beds and let them have free reign over mine. Most nights they come through around 5:30 AM which is okay as I know my alarm clock (all 3 of them) will be shouting at me in an hour and I have already had a few hours undisturbed sleep, but on others it really is the middle of the night (read anywhere between 11PM and 3AM). Add to this that we are a snoring family and I am in real trouble. In particular my daughter… if I am not asleep again before her, I do not sleep for all the noise that emanates out of her.

Like I said, I am hoping and praying that the only reason for this mid-night-bed-swapping is because they are getting cold. ROLL ON SUMMER.

Yes, please roll on summer… I am now sick and tired of cold, wet, windy, winter. And in true form we are in for another rainy weekend (after a gorgeous week of sunshine while we all sit in our office block)… oh and the sun will return again on Monday morning… Joke: What comes after 2 days of rain in Cape Town? Monday!! (HAHAHAHA)

UPDATE: Early last week I recounted the story of a wrestling match that ended in my son going to crèche in his pj’s… well last Friday they decided to have a school wide pj day. All the kids, and ALL the staff came in in their pj’s and gowns and slippers for the day. I am SOOO proud of my little trendsetter :)

Weekend plans: NOTHING… well almost… besides a coffee ‘date’ with a friend and a trip back to the Toyota dealer. Maybe I will catch a movie, maybe stay in with a DVD and a warm fire… I love the fact that I can do EXACTLY as I wish.

HAVE A GREAT ONE ALL!!!!

Tattoo's...

Last year I got my first tattoo... it was the marking of the end of a stage in my life. In January my divorce was finalised and in June I resigned from my job. So on the weekend after leaving said job and before starting the new one I went and got my first tattoo. The Bug Bit. It has now been just over 1 year and I am in the process of planning my second.

I already know what it is going to be, I am now just searching for the perfect design, a FIRE DARGON. I have always had a fascination with dragons, which started as recurring dreams in my childhood, and there is a particular image from these dreams that I am trying to put down into something that can be used as a tattoo.

Here are 2 images I have already found (from a site which watermarks the designs)... they are very different but both have something about them that I LOVE, and although I am leaning towards the second one, it is still not quite what I am looking for, and seeing as I will be branding myself for life it HAS to be perfect.

Updates...

Update 1: Weight...
Another kilo down, which makes it a grand total of 3kg's in 3 weeks. At this rate I might just be at my goal by my birthday (here's holding thumbs)

Update 2: Cars...
I took the Toyota Yaris Sedan for a test drive over the weekend. VERY VERY NICE. AND they offered me more for a trade in on my Hyndai than the Hyundai dealership offered (without knowing the previous quote). Still want to have a look at one or two more before I make my final desision though.

Update 3: Online dating...
Well... what to say... every now and then one or two prospects come up, but so far nothing promising. Seriously thinking of updating my profile with messages like "NON-NEGOTIABLE means NON_NEGOTIABLE" & "If you are still legally married F@#K OFF" & "If you know you are not going to send more than one or two one-liners, then don't bother making contact in the first place."

Stop and smell the daisies...

Here are a few pic's from our glorious trip up the West Coast on Wednesday.



 

Wonderful Womans Day

Today was Woman's Day here in the beautiful South Africa, and mine has been absolutely fantastic. Originally the plan was to spend the day shopping for odds and ends for the kids (daughter has grown out of all her winter clothes again) and possible take a few more cars for test drives. But then, when I viewed the weather report yesterday and realised that we would be in store for a glorious spring day I changed all my plans. So this morning, after breakfast, I grabbed my camera, packed the kids in the car and headed up the R27 (a.k.a. West Coast road - aptly named as it runs all the way up the western coast of the country) in search of the renowned spring flowers which are reportedly in bloom a month early due to the rain this year.

WOW... and double WOW. We ended up in a dorpie about 200km's outside of Cape Town called Dwarskersbos and the surrounding veld was just bathed in beautiful white and yellow and orange and mauve flowers. It really was beautiful. We did the mandatory photo snaps with kids and flowers, a little walkabout to stretch out the legs and then turned the car around to start heading back, with the intention of grabbing lunch on the way.

Now, one of the very well known restaurants (and I use that word lightly - you'll see why later) is just outside of Langebaan and is called Die Strandlooper (literally translated into The Beachwalker). This is where I decided to pull in at noon for lunch not truely realising what lay in store for us. To set the scene... Die Strandlooper is quite literally on the rocks by the beach... there is no building to speak of, instead the tables are made out of cement with wooden planks for benches, open fires in rock mounds are everywhere. The atmosphere is completely relaxed. And the food... oh the food... It is a set price for adults, children under 12 pay per height and the under 5's eat free.

We started off with fresh home made bread straight off the fire with fresh cooked mussels (plain or garlic) AWESOME... this was followed by braaied Harder (a type of fish) DELLICIOUS... then seafood paella MOUTH WATERING... then lamb stew (yup lamb... couldn't quite figure that one out) DELECATBLE... then braaied Snoek ALL TIME FAVOURITE... then Stompneus (Stumpnose) and smoked Angel Fish INCREDIBLE... and to top it all off Crayfish tails WOWWIE. And along with all of these the fresh bread and home made preserves just kept coming. This entire EVENT takes about 3.5 hours to complete but it is the best spent 3.5 hours I have had in a long time. The kids were in heaven, they could run around on the beach (with buckets and spades provided by the restaurant) while I could sit back, enjoying the beautiful sun and having the most relaxing afternoon.

Family Update…

Let’s start with the angels/demons (depending on the day).

What I have noticed is that they are never both angles or both demons on the same day. They seem to take turns with each, for example… Yesterday morning my daughter (the headstrong, stubborn, self confident, 7 year old) who is normally the SLOWEST person on earth when it comes to getting dressed in the morning, having to be reminded of every little thing from where her shoes are to packing her bag, decided that she was actually going to get herself up and dressed and packed all with out me having to say a word. ANGEL. My son on the other hand (the equally headstrong, but still small enough to be picked up and put in his place, 3 year old) decided that he was not going to get up, and when I did manage to rouse him from his slumber at around 7:30AM (when I should be heading out the door), he decided that he simply was not going to get dressed, this in turn led to a wrestling match with me pinning him down to get his pj’s off. Round one to mom. Now imagine little three year old tearing around the house in his undies, locating his pj’s and putting them back on in delighted defiance. He ended up going to crèche in his pj’s, with a change on clothes in this bag for when he decided to co-operate. DEMON. And in perfect contrast, this morning I was back to rushing her along while he quietly got himself dressed in his room. Maybe I should be grateful… single-handedly dealing with demon’s in stereo does not sound like a pleasant task.

Next update… the EX. Leopards will truly never, ever change their spots. This he proves to me time and time again. Friday being a case in point. Now that I am no longer the naive little girl that he married and am no longer susceptible to his manipulation and lies and deception I am able to see though all the afore mentioned and see him for what he truly is. That said, he doesn’t seem to realize this yet. Anyway, to cut a really really long story short, he pulled a typical stunt and completely dropped off the face of the planet on Friday, this being the day that he was meant to pick the kids up from school as they were to spend the weekend with him. I in the meantime ended up in the usual Friday afternoon chaos at the office, but seeing as no-one could track him down had to leave early to do the school run all the while trying to track him down (which I eventually did manage to do). He was holed up at his step mothers house (which he is house-sitting) with all forms for telephonic communication unavailable, that is at least until I rang the doorbell at which point everything miraculously started working. Now for those of you who don’t know the history here (which is most of you) he has a certain addiction to things far too readily available on the internet, and his step-mom’s house has a computer, a modem and a telephone line… not a good combination when he is added to the mix.

Oh... Life... what else can I say...