I don't know what has got into me lately. The last two weeks I have been soo angry... angry at life, angry at God, angry at myself... and I am taking it out on the two people that spend the most time around me... my children. In the last two days this has suddenly turned to sadness... no, more than that... Heartache. The smallest things are setting me off, sitting here writing this post I am on the verge of tears for the 9th time today and about the 100th time this weekend.
I have been struck with an absolute feeling of despair, of confusion, of a lack of direction in my life... a feeling of existence instead of living. I have had a nervous breakdown before and been thrown into the grip of depression that only medical assistance could get me out of and avoid me taking my own life... I am NOT there now, I know the warning signs though and am worried that I may be heading that way again...
Yesterday I almost ended things with Irish... I had hit the lowest point of my day and he was the target of my aggression. Maybe I still should (end it that is) as I am no good to anyone at the moment... not that he would even know THAT... his list of priorities goes something like this:
work
socialising
work
mother
work
flat
work
dog
work
meeting new young single carefree childless spontaneous woman... no... GIRL
FUCK IT... why should I care, I have been the one saying all along that I don't want anything serious (and I DON'T). He has the potential to be a good, even a great, friend... and I am quickly ruining any chance of that at the moment. If he finds someone that is more suited to his way of life, then I am happy for him. I have witnessed him at his worst, with anger targeted towards a certain ex (of his) that was causing some problems in his life... and I stuck around... let's hope he can see my worst, and accept it. If not... then it is HIS loss.
You know what... I have just realised and remembered why I started this blog in the first place. It is a place for me to vent.. to let out these emotions and thoughts and ramblings instead of bottling them up inside as I always used to do. I am feeling a little bit better right now (even though I am sure it will be short lived - so expect an update this evening).
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*update*
Just when I thought my day was taking a turn for the better... when my ex-mother-in-law had taken the kids for a visit for a few hours, giving me a momentary respite and chance to breath and catchup on the housework that had been piling up this weekend, just when I had a quick lie down to recharge my batteries.... and I have a visit from BEFH!!!
This time he physically cornered me in the garden, again proclaiming his love and rambling on about how he should have fought for me when he had the chance. One of those many many many that I gave him through our 6 years of marriage.... or all the times I fought to save the marriage through our year of separation... including the times when I actually DID take him back only for him to fall straight back into his old habits...
Can you believe he physically stood in my way and wouldn't let me get past him. He even restrained me when I tried to get around him, and before you all shout domestic abuse... NO he did not strike me in any way. He doesn't operate like that... he is a manipulator of the mind and emotions. Normally I could put up with this, but he caught me at a week point today and for the first time in a long time he actually saw me crying, and I hate the fact that I let him see that he is getting to me, that he is having an emotional impact on me (even if it is anger and hate).
6 comments:
{{{{Big Hugs to you, girlfriend}}}}
It is so amazing to me to see how many of us feel the same way. Used up with nowhere left to go. I've enjoyed reading about you. I will check back again. In the meantime, join the worldwide club of stressed out, bored, and depressed mothers with me!
I think your Jordan holiday is overdue!
Don't do anything while you are feeling like this, even if it does feel like a good idea right now.
Hang in there, M! I am thinking of you!
Lots of cyber hugs coming your way from the Eastern Cape.
It's tough when you're trying to keep it all together and people just keep on chipping away at you.
Just wanted to send you a hug. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. I hate that horrible, desolate, angry feeling. When I went through the worst of my infertility shite, the hardest thing for me to handle was the anger. I was so angry ... at life / god / fate / nature whatever. It nearly destroyed me.
I hope that things look up for you soon
Lots of love
T
PS Have subscribed to you and A now ;-) Am super sleuth
My very wise therapist explained this phenomenon they do it to bring you down back to their level of unhappiness cause they can’t stand seeing you happy and going on with your life…..so no weakness on your side just surviving, so pick up your chin and put on a the blinding smile. You are a survivor!!
Planet N
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