Fun Friday

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES ; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Fun Friday

Some advice from DR Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives? By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday , I have finally found inner peace.

The phone in show was talking about the potential damage to our health of the stress we have in our lives. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house , I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Vodka, a packet of Jaffa Cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the chocolate cake, some Doritos and a Box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel!!!! The man is a Genius!

Dinner

In an attempt to ensure that I don't let yet another week go buy with out posting something... this is just a quick note to let you know that I am going to experience the Madame Zingara Theater of Dreams tonight. CAN'T WAIT. I will update you all tomorrow.

Otherwise here is a something to entertain you...


The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Fun Friday

Girls Night Out (and no! this is NOT me)...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I Cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 2 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Fun Friday

Thanks to The Yak for putting me on to this... the wiki Uncyclopedia... it is fast becoming my new favourite read

In particular the 'History of Cape Town'

If this is the only new site you add to your list this month it is well worth it.

Fun Friday - Best Irish Joke EVER

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can justget to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flatonhis face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink lastnight?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

HAVE A TERRIFIC WEEKEND ALL!!

Fun Friday

Someone really should have put more thought into these.... enjoy, and have a GREAT weekend.

Fun Friday

Another in what I am hoping to start making a regular feature here. Fun Friday.

Over the years I have amassed a HUGE amount of jokes, funnies and anecdotes. To all those who have sent these to me THANKS...

Below is a list of various things broadcasters have said... bringing into crystal clarity the TRUE meaning of the phrase "Think before you talk":

• Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts."
• Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
• Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets."
• Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’s tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
• During the 1989 Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
• Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
• James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Formula One Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barichello?"
• Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
  The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott’s breath away … "My word," he said, "look at that magnificent erection."
• Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
• A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did the weatherman have to leave the set, but so did half the crew, they were laughing so hard.
• US PGA commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh dear lord!! What have I just said??"
• Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven dicks on the field."
• Harry Carpenter at the Oxford / Cambridge boat race in 1977: "Ah, isn’t that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
• Ted Walsh (horse racing commentator): "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Having read these again I can only but imagine the search hits that I may be getting now.

Have a great weekend all.