1 year old and still going....

With all the introspection over the last few weeks I ended up completely missing my 1 year blog-o-versary as well as my 100th post. So here is wishing myself a belated birthday.

What a year it has been.

I have had up's and down's to make any roller-coaster jealous. I have shared about my dating prospects and about the ex-from-hell (mostly responsible for the down's mentioned earlier). I have lost weight and gained weight.

I have shared about my children and how much they have grown over the last year. From ballet concerts to temper tantrums; morning cuddles to sleep deprivation; fevers to trend setting.

I have been to some FANTASTIC concerts here at home and on 2 PHENOMENAL holidays abroad.

I have met some incredible people in the blogosphere and even had the pleasure of meeting 2 of them in person.

WOW - it is not until you look back that you realise just how much has happened, most of it just fades into the background of your life... but when you write it down and share it with the world you have something everlasting to remind you.

Here's hoping I can fill the next year with as many memorable moments (but a few less dips in the roller coaster of life would be nice).

What do you want to be when you grow up???

I still don't have an answer for that... What I do know is that I never planned to be, and don't really want to be, where I have ended up. The other problem is that I have never truly KNOWN what it is that I want to do.

I've tried thinking back to what I wanted to grow up to be when I was little and I honestly couldn't remember. I resorted to asking my mother... and the answer... a ballerina. Growing up to be 5'11" tall by the age of 13 didn't help that endeavour. The only other thing that I can remember is my brother and I planning how we would have a farm together one day where our parents would have a house as well. I was about 8 years old when this idea was hatched.

Oddly enough this farming thing is an idea that has taken hold of me again in the last year. I have realised just how much I detest living in the city. I do not like high rise buildings, I do not like traffic, I do not like smog, I HATE crowds of people, and I am sick to death of sitting in an office all day doing NOTHING meaningful. I love open spaces, I love being in the country and in the mountains, I love fresh air and peace and quiet.

Currently I sit behind a PC for 8 hours a day at the office designing and building systems so that some idiot in Copenhagen or London can track a box on a ship somewhere, and knowing the nature of the industry in 5 years time the entire system will be replaced anyway and no-one will remember that I have lost my sanity building the first one. I need a sense of purpose... I don't expect to change the world in one foul swoop... but I need to do something that makes a difference somehow, or at least something that gives me that sense of accomplishment that comes from seeing the fruits of your labour after a hard days work.

With the kids to think of I must also make sure that any risks I take right now are calculated ones.

1) Continue living in the suburbs where the kids can go the best schools and we can all continue living the life we have become accustomed to BUT that also means being able to support that life financially which in turn means staying in the industry that I am in. Basically everything stays as it is.

2) Leave the suburbs... sell the house and find a nice house in a countryside suburb. The kids can still go to good schools (very good schools depending on where in the countryside you are). I will still have to stay in the industry that I am in as changing careers would reduce my income substantially.

3) Leave the suburbs... and find a something that can support itself and the family... a piece of land that can produce enough income to pay for itself with enough to spare to put the kids in good schools and put food on the table. Easier said than done... but not impossible.

4) Any and all other suggestions are welcome :)

This will be the year of finding my purpose. I know it won't happen overnight, I know that I am going to have to stick things out for a bit longer BUT this will be the year of change

Out with the old... In with the new...

For months now I have had this feeling that it is time to throw out the old and open my life up to new things.

I decided that the best place to start this is by rummaging through all the 'stuff' that I have collected through my life and that has always just moved along with me. Everything from letters I received from my closest friend when I was in Std 1 (grade 3 for all you young'ens) after she moved to Johannesburg to invoices and receipts from shopping trips last week.

I look at it all and think WHY?? why keep all this crap, then I pack it back in it's box and put in back in the cupboard (or under the bed). Don't get me wrong... you can see all the floors and table tops in my house, I don't have piles of things lying about that make it difficult to maneuver around my humble abode... but just having these things in my life is starting to feel like it is weighing me down.

Over the last few months I have had very good intentions of being brutal and getting rid of these old things but every time I open the boxes I stare at it all in disbelief then put it back and go do something else. Well, I am making it my mission this weekend to tackle at least 1 room (trying to do the whole house in one weekend is a task too daunting), and the first room to fall victim to the "De-Clutter M's life" campaign shall be the bedroom (loud applause and cheers of congratulations erupt as the other rooms know they are safe - for now).

I am even quite excited to know what treasures lay hidden, safely tucked away in boxes that haven't been opened in 8 years or more... I just need to learn to be brutal and get rid of the crap that is gathering dust and has no use in my life anymore.

So, raise your glasses and be upstanding for the toast..... "To making space for new and better things"
CHEERS

Back to Black

I tried the pink... it simply didn't work for me... so back to the tested and LOVED black

------ UPDATE ------

I have some time on my hands here at the office and as you can see 'Ramblings' is CHANGING yet again. Comments / Suggestions welcome.

Dinner

In an attempt to ensure that I don't let yet another week go buy with out posting something... this is just a quick note to let you know that I am going to experience the Madame Zingara Theater of Dreams tonight. CAN'T WAIT. I will update you all tomorrow.

Otherwise here is a something to entertain you...


The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Office Romances....

"Have you ever been approached by a colleague..." he asked. He didn't even have to finish the sentence and I realised what he was asking. This got me to thinking about office romances/flings, the pro's the con's the hook-up's and break-up's

I have always been of the opinion that they are generally a bad idea, you know the old adage "don't dip your pen in the company ink pot" OR the lovely images invoked by "don't shit where you eat" (or something like that). Maybe it is because in my previous jobs I have never worked with anyone that has made me want to change that idea, but also the thought of what the hell happens when things go horribly wrong and you still have to work closely with this person, that I have never really given this much thought. However at my current job I have found myself rethinking my position.

I have known many people over the years who have met their future partners at work and all has gone very well for them, in fact I know of at least 2 couples where I am now, so obviously it can work but then I think you must know from the onset that there is more than just a physical attraction and you must both be looking for more than just a casual fling, or you both have to be the type of people that can separate work and pleasure and be able to not let the one effect the other... easier said than done.

ANYWAY, back to why I started this post...

I have two colleagues here who have made me rethink this idea... call them Mr X and Mr Y.

Mr X is oh soo cool and confident and self assured and would be great for a fling or casual booty-call (for lack of a better way to describe it) but I know that I am as far from his 'type' as it comes. He has the type of personality that draws people to him. A great guy, a good conversationalist, fun and sexy. The more I think about it the more I know that it wouldn't work and we would simply not be right for each other on all levels. So with him I am easily able to put those thoughts to the back of my mind and get on with life/work... now if only he would get out of my dreams (yup, twice in one week.... hmmmmmm)

Mr Y couldn't be more different from Mr X in appearance. He is as down-to-earth as it comes, a huge amount of fun, caring, gentle, funny, all around NICE GUY and bloody good looking to boot. He is everything I have ever wanted or looked for in a man but he is also UNAVAILABLE (and that is a boundary I am NOT prepared to cross). And believe me, if it wasn't for that last little detail, this notion of not mixing work with pleasure would have gone straight out of the window without even so much as a seconds hesitation. Now to perfect that human cloning thing :)

Anyway, just wanted to share my thought and ramblings... now it is your turn... have you ever? would you? how did it work out? don't be shy... TELL ALL

---------UPDATE ---------

Another thought/question connected to above and at the same time not...

At what point do you tell someone how you feel about them, even if you know that nothing more will come of it other than getting it out in the open, even if you have no idea how they will react all the time hoping that it won't f-up the friendship that you DO have????

If absence makes the heart grow fonder….

Then you must all LOVE me by now :)

Dearest blog

I have been neglecting you over the last 2 months. Thinking back on the time that has passed it has been filled with adventure, excitement and celebrations… what a 2 month’s it has been.

Not long after my last communication with you I enjoyed the culmination of my 29th year on this planet in grand style with 3 separate celebrations. The first was a picnic at Kirstenbosch gardens with my nearest and dearest friends, catered for by the fantastic Ms C… much food and drink were had by all while enjoying the glorious summer Cape Town weather. On the evening of my birthday (which happened to be on a Wednesday this year) I was treated to a sunset cruise into Table Bay where we were graced by the presence of some Southern Right Whales which appeared almost within arms reach of the sailboat. The kids both thoroughly enjoyed the adventure even though we got DRENCHED by the waves splashing over the bow. The evening was then topped off by dinner at the Cape Town Fish Market at the V&A Waterfront… I would like to say that it was the perfect ending to a perfect day but unfortunately I cannot… I have always been an eager patron of this eating establishment often frequenting their stores at other locations in and around Cape Town but unfortunately this particular one cannot be complimented. The service was SHOCKING with us waiting a full 20 min before we were served (and by this time the kids were already tired as it was past their bedtime), the waitress was more interested in the store gossip that was circulating behind the counter then on our enjoyment of the evening, the food took a further 45 minutes to arrive and when it did they had managed to place the incorrect order for my daughter and as I wasn’t prepared to wait another 30 minutes to get it corrected I merely replaced her Cajun calamari with the regular calamari that arrived on my seafood platter. Seafood platter sounds yummy right, well aside from the overcooked mussels which could have been served as biltong, the rest was palatable. Needless to say, I shall not be visiting that particular store again. The third celebration was with my family, and a braai at my parents’ house, FANTASTIC. To top all that partying off I had a belated birthday lunch with an ever entertaining fellow blogger, friend and colleague Adumski today.

Besides the sunset cruise on my birthday, more excitement was had when I was treated to a tandem paragliding afternoon. WOW, how exhilarating. We gathered at La Med overlooking the ocean and sipping on cocktails while watching the previous group of gliders hovering over us before it was my turn to head up the hill. A short drive up Lions Head followed by a 20 min hike to the jump spot and we were there. While I stood taking in the splendor of the view over Camps Bay the glider was positioned, and after a short briefing by Barry on how to position myself and what to do to get in the air we waited for the perfect gust of wind and then… WE WERE OFF. OH MY GOD what an experience… I think we managed to stay airborne for about an hour… the conditions were absolutely perfect. At one point we were hovering over the top of the peak waving down at the people that had just completed the hike up the mountain. This was definitely an experience I will NEVER forget and will hopefully repeat one day soon. Unfortunately I didn’t take a camera up with me but I had someone waiting for me back at La Med who managed to get some fantastic shots of my experience which I shall be sending on to you soon.

I have recently also rekindled my love of camping, encouraged by a friend who goes camping regularly with her man, I was asked if the kids and I would like to join them over the weekend (past). My daughter had her school sports day on Sat morning and after that we drove up to Riverside campsite just outside of Roberston, and as the name suggests… right on the river. What a great weekend, the weather was perfect and we spent almost all our time either on or in the river. Canoeing, swimming, sunbathing, braai-ing, the gorgeous starry filled night sky that you never get to see when in town. The kids loved it and I was left wondering why on earth we don’t do that more often, definitely something to add to my list of resolutions, even if a bit late.

On another positive note, the BEFH and I went away for a weekend a while back… I KNOW I KNOW that sounds like a very odd thing to be doing but it was exactly what we needed. Some quiet time without the kids on neutral territory to talk and say everything that needed to be said and sort out this very odd relationship we have ended up with. We first drove up to a quaint little spot called Maitjiesfontain, what a lovely place, a little bastion of British colonialism. The ‘town’ is owned by one man and consists of a few houses (about 5), a post office, museum, train station, hotel, pub and one or two little gift shops. I don’t know if you could spend more than 24 hours there as there is literally NOTHING to do there besides the 10 minute red-bus tour up and down the main street, but I am very happy that I got to go there at least once in my lifetime. I would definitely recommend a visit and one night stop over there to everyone. We then headed off to Franschoek for the remainder of the weekend and stayed in a glorious B&B, ate toooo much, drank toooo much and talked till we had nothing more to talk about. It was really good. We have ended up with a good understanding of what we have (and what we don’t have) and can now hopefully get on with enjoying the friendship that we DO have. Knowing ‘our’ history, maybe I am being overly optimistic but for now all is good.

I have also recently started pursuing some big new dreams but those plans are all still in their infancy and I will elaborate in a future letter.

But for now I have given you the whirlwind highlights package of the goings on in my life lately and shall leave with the promise that I shall not neglect you for so long again.

Love and hugs and sloppy wet kisses
M

Back in body but mind still on Holiday

I am back in warm sunny South Africa, but my mind is still on holiday in Jordan. What a fantastic time. I have sooo much to show and tell, but for right now am still getting my head around the fact that it is all over.

I took a note book with me and will be posting a LONG entry soon about all the happenings and some of the 400'odd pic's that I took.

I hope you all had a fantastic new year and that 2007 is treating you all well so far.

AND... She's off

Okay well that is it for me for this year... in a few hours I'll be on a plane heading north (more or less). If I have access to a pc I'll post updates, but I am planning on spending my time on other things.

Hope you all had a terrific Christmas and all the best for the New Year.

See you in 2007.

'Tis the season to be silly... tra la la lala

I have been on leave for a week now and for most people leave is a time for them to unwind, slow down, relax and recharge... however my week has been one of the most chaotic I have had in a while. Seeing as I will be away for 2 weeks I have been spending as much time as I can with my kids this week which has included everything from my boys birthday party, Carols by Candlelight, shopping, movies, clay cafe, beach, swimming, aquarium and everything inbetween.

I AM EXHAUSTED.

My little angel was spoilt as usual, gifts galore and a cake he loved. I have been trying to upload a pic of him with his cake but as yet blogger aint playing with.

Carol's by Candlelight is a yearly event at Kirstenbosch and a Cape Town institution. Every year about a week before Christmas thousands upon thousands of people congregate in the beautiful gardens in the spirit of the season. Anyone who lives in this beautiful city or visits it over the festive season, and has not yet attended this spectacle truly does NOT know what they are missing.

This is the third year running that I have gone, and the second that I have taken my kids along, and it is now becoming a family tradition. It normally runs for 4 consecutive evenings around the 16th of December. We arrived on Sunday evening around 6PM with a full picnic and heading off to meet with the friends waiting for us, and were confronted with the sight of people lined all the way up the hill and back down behind us waiting to get in. IT WAS PACKED. Everyone having a festive time... eating, drinking and merry making were definitely the order of the day (or night). Around 8PM, conveniently also around sunset, candles are lit and the carols are underway... led by the Cape Town Concert Brass Band and the Cape Town Male Voice Choir. What a sight to behold... thousands of candles swaying to the sound of carols being belted out by everyone there. If you haven't yet gone... GO NEXT YEAR... you will NOT regret it.

The Clay Cafe in hout bay is another fantastic spot to take your kids, or yourself, if you are looking to be creative for an afternoon. It is a pottery studio up on the hill overlooking the hout bay valley and over to the ocean where they make, paint and sell delightful african theme pottery. They also have a cafe where you can go and paint your own. You pay for the bisque and get 3 paint colours to use and then your imagination does the rest. Once you have created your masterpiece they fire it for you and then you return to collect your piece 2 weeks later. The kids absolutely LOVE it. They even cater for birthday parties... which is how we were first introduced to it. Another must do if you are in Cape Town.

Otherwise I am UBER excited about the upcoming trip, and if I am honest a little anxious. I know it is going to be great, fantastic, an experience to remember forever... however this is the first time that I will be leaving the kids for that amount of time... and it is the first time that I will be traveling alone (once there I will be meeting with a friend) but I have to get myself half way around the world by myself. And although I know I have nothing to be anxious about and that I am more than capable of looking after myself, I am still a little anxious. And then to top it all off... I checked the weather forecast for Jordan and Syria and I AM GOING TO FREEZE MY BACKSIDE OFF. When everyone else is coming to Cape Town at this time of year to bask in the 28 deg sunshine everyday... I will be leaving it to go to temp's of between -5 and 15 deg. Layering, it is all about layering :)

Holidays, cakes and tattoo's

YEAH, today is my last day at the office, I am already in holiday mode. I won't see the inside of this place for another 3.5 weeks. HELL YES, this is long overdue.

Last Sunday the weather and water conditions turned out to be perfect and so we managed to go diving after all. Man it was great to be in the water again. We went to Oudekraal with a few other new divers (it was their very very first ocean dive) so a great way to get back into the swing of things as we took it very easy. The water was perfect with about 10m of visibility, however this also meant that it was quite cold (11 deg to be precise)... thank God for the 7ml two-piece wetsuit that attempted to keep me above freezing level. We also had the pleasure of seeing a baby electric ray... very rare to catch of glimpse of these around here, and if it wasn't for our dive instructors keen eye we would have missed it completely. Plans are to go again this Sunday... let's hope the weather plays along as it is the last chance I have before going away.

11 days to go... 11 days to go... 11 days to go... soon I'll start counting the hours, then minutes. I am soooooooo excited, although I realised yesterday that I need to stock up my winter wardrobe... but where do you think I can get winter clothes at this time of year (remember we in sunny South Africa are in the full swing of summer). When most people come here to escape the cold and snow I am doing the exact opposite. Oh well.. that is my mission for next week... find some winter clothes.

As for tonight... it will be taken up by baking the big-boy a birthday cake for the party tomorrow. He keeps changing his mind though as to what kind of cake he wants... so has left it to me to surpise him. I will post some pictures here once it is done.

Then finally... the tattoo hunt. I have found a few options but am still struggling to make up my mind. So... I am seeking input from all of you as to which one you like most... .I am leaning more and more to no. 9 (the numbers are beneath the images). I also quite like the Kanji symbols here.

Searching for Inspiration

Maybe it is just this time of year and my brain is slowly shutting down in preparation of the upcoming holiday (YEAH)... maybe it is the combination of too many functions (read alcohol) and not enough sleep... but I have been struggling to come up with any decent topics to write about and hence the SILENCE for the last week. Anyway, I am just going to ramble on here a bit about the goings on, or lack thereof, lately.

Well, as of last Friday, we are officially part of the B.I.G-Fish company and it is pretty much business as usual, except that they seem to be having some difficulty getting me onto their network which means that the WEALTH of information etc that is supposedly available for us is still out of my reach. Business as usual also means that I am once again left with NOTHING to do. We had started working on a new release of our project - as we had nothing else to do and instead of sitting here warming up the chairs we thought we would get some constructive work done knowing full well that the contract would eventually get signed as it is a rather critical project. HOWEVER B.I.G-Fish has decided to review all contract information and has told us to stop all work on this until it is signed.... expected D-Day for the big signing is end January (MAYBE). Thank God I only have one more week to sit here being a human-chair-warmer.

I am now getting extremely excited about my upcoming holiday. I'll be spending a week at home with the little'uns before Christmas and then on 26 December - off into the great blue yonder for 2 WHOLE WEEKS... Just me... No kids... No BEFH... No Work... No Nothing. This is soooo long overdue.

Oh... on another note... my wayward dive instructor got hold of me again this week. Now this is a LOOOOONG story, but basically I started a course early last year and just never finished it... for various reasons. I have done all the dives required with him and more... and had all but one lecture to complete and then to write the exam. Well he is now running another course that I am slotting into. This meant lectures last night to cover the topics I hadn't done yet, weather permitting a dive on Sunday and then the exam next Tuesday. I just realised this is the first time I have mentioned my diving here... that might be becuase the last time I got in the water was in February (long before I started this blog). I LOVE IT. It is one of the most amazing experiences I have had (and could ever have). To be under the water with only yourself (and your buddy), the peace and tranquility, the life... all you hear is the sound of your own breathing and maybe the occasional speed boat... It is truely amazing.

As for the upcoming weekend... busy busy busy again... starting this afternoon. Our team is having a end of year spit braai (the last in the silly-season-work-functions for me). Then tomorrow, myself and Ms C are going for a pamper session complete with facials and manicures/pedicures... this is my treat to her (and myself) as it was her birthda last week. Then on Sunday a dive if the water looks good... and inbetween all this I need to recap on all my dive notes in preparation for the exam on Tuesday.

Okay, well that is enough of my rambling for now :)

The rollercoaster is heading UP

Life seems to be taking a turn for the better recently, things are just falling into place, the gods are smiling upon me, and the roses are in bloom.

Since the last altercation with BEFH he has left us alone... finally... and all is well with the world (well at least my little one). My immediate concerns were what about my holiday (I really really don't want to cancel), where will the kids go? What about the house (he and I are both the registered owners - i.e. he still owns half of MY house)? What about my sanity? What about the funds to sort out the previous issues (house and holiday)? But you know what... it is all taken care of.

So here are the updates:

The Little'uns - will be going to my folks for the two weeks that I am away. My mom was meant to be working for the first of the two but has told the powers that be (and there aren't many as she is one of the directors) that she will be available from home for the first week and on leave in the second. The kids love staying there and are already getting excited at the prospects of two whole weeks of being spoilt rotten.

The House - I started making inquiries with a lawyer about 2 months ago about what we need to do to get the house transferred solely into my name, and yesterday I fetched the papers from him that will allow this to happen. This did mean that I had to make contact with BEFH as he needs to sign some of the paperwork, but he isn't putting up a fuss about it (seems to have gotten the hint). This does however mean that I need to pay transfer costs on half the property value, which brings me nicely to my next point.

The Money - At first I thought that I would have to take out a loan to pay the costs for the house (there is no bond registered so wouldn't be able to dig into those funds) and was heading out to the bank today to talk to the manager about getting a personal loan. I also have an investment account with funds that I had saved up over the years, however I didn't think that there was enough there to cover even half the amount I needed and that I was intending to use for my holiday accommodation and spending money. I decided to stop on the way and check... just for good measure... and guess what, I have enough there to cover the transfer and all the peripheral costs involved and have enough to spare for my holiday. I'M OVER THE MOON

and lastly... The Holiday - EVERYTHING is done... all that is left to do is for me to get on the plane. The tickets are booked and paid for, the hotels are booked, the visa's are all sorted and back with me... now just to wait the last few days till I get on the plane and head off into the wild blue yonder.

Pirate for a night

Friday night was our company's last ever year end function, as of 30 November we will no longer exist... small fish having been bought out by big fish, really B.I.G. fish. Anyway, being (currently) in the shipping industry the theme for the evening was imaginatively decided to be that of a Pirate Evening.

The venue was spetacularly decked out with black trimmings, tents, table cloths, silver place settings and candelabra's, what I can only assume was cottonwool threads made to look like cobwebs, eye-patches and gold and silver 'coins' on the tables, little rubber skeletons and bandana caps. Outside was a photographer set up to snap up pictures of all the happy couples in a lovely setting of treasure chests filled with coins and crowns (all plastic of course, not that that stopped people from walking out with most, if not all, of the evenings props). I arrived promptly at 6:45.. not the first, thank god, and was welcomed by delicious fruit-punch and rum (of course) cocktails. Slowly more and more people started trickling in until our numbers must have reached around 200 bodies, including Adumski and Yummy D, most with their partners (except for the three of us and a few others).

After everyone was seated the speeches started, including a video presentation of interviews and 'behind the scenes' goings on from within the company over the last 30-odd years that we have been in existence (can you believe there are a small handfuls of people who have been with the company since the year I was born and before). The drinks kept coming, for me white wine and cocktails - the kids were with their granny for the evening and I didn't have to hurry home - and then the food, which was unfortunately the lowlight of the evening.

The starters included a few pieces of greenery with a drizzle of roasted pepper, a few slices of feta and 5 (exactly 5) olives on every plate. Mains were a choice of half a chicken breast (cut in 5 slivers) with some rice and a small helping of veggies OR 2 cubes of sirloin with a spoonful of stirfry veggies. Dessert was something masquerading as a cheese cake. And then the music started.. I haven't been bombarded with that much 80's music since I attended my last wedding, but then again I am one of the youngest people in the company and this was right up everyone else's alley... and it was actually a BLAST. Seeing our MD on the dance floor (on of the first people up there as usual) bopping away with everyone else is a sight that I will call upon in memory whenever I need to smile.

I am normally very self conscious and almost uncomfortable in my own skin when it comes to being on a dance floor with everyone watching, but I threw caution to the wind and took the floor with Adumski to join the rest of our friends. I know, an odd word to use for colleagues, but that is the nature of the spirit we have in our company, everyone gets along and we have sooooo many CHARACTERS that every day and every event is always made enjoyable by them, and I have become friendly with many of my colleagues. And so we danced the night away.

The highlight of the evening was certainly sitting outside with Adumski and a few drinks and each of us with a crown (liberated from the photographers set props) on our heads, watching other people and how people change when they have a few drinks in them, with some of the most quiet placid people suddenly becoming boisterous and outgoing. We sat there chatting till we were LITERALLY the LAST two people to leave at 1:40AM.

The rest of the weekend started when I woke up at 7AM (damned that internal body clock) and then managed to coax myself back to sleep for another 2 hours before crawling out of bed around 9AM to fetch the kids and head off to the second booking of the weekend. My son's school carnival, which he has been looking forward to for weeks. The afternoon was spent relaxing on the couch and trying to find some energy for the evening poitjie at a friends house... now for those NON-SouthAfrican readers out there a poitjie is like a stew (normally mutton or beef, but in this case ox-tail) with everything thrown into a single pot on a fire and coals, and then left to simmer for most of the afternoon. It was a lovely evening, the kids thoroughly enjoyed it and my boy fell asleep on my lap after he had run off all his energy. All in all.. a lovely weekend.

Taking a tumble... and drama, drama, drama

On Monday night I had a once in a lifetime experience (and no, that is not necessarily a good thing... just something I'll probably NEVER EVER do again). I went speed dating... yes you read that correctly... S.P.E.E.D. dating. The evening was immense fun, but that is purely due to the fact that I went with 3 girl-friends. The four of us are all single and thought this would, at the very least, be a fun experience.

ANYWAY, we arrived at the venue about 15 minutes early (as requested by the organisers) and got ourselves some drinks (mostly to settle the nerves) , all the while being eyed out by the 'men' sitting at the bar... these are the same 'men' we were to be dating shortly afterwards. All the ladies (all 11 of us) were seated one per table armed with a pen and paper. The men (all 6 of them) arrive taking up their positions and the evenings events are explained. We get 3 minutes in total to talk to eachother before the men are ushered on and moved to the next table. Only 3 minutes you say, for most of them we managed to fill that time easily, but when you are confronted with someone who answers every question in one-word-answers then those 3 minutes feel like a lifetime.

As you may have guessed there were NO real prospects, well at least not for us, I hope that some of the other woman there managed to find someone that they would like to see again, but for the 4 of us... NOT A CHANCE. The 1 hour worth of 'dating' was then followed by a meal (lamb and fillet and chicken skewers with veggies and potato wedges... followed by a delicious chocolate fondue). However, when you are flirting more with the waiters than the prospective dates you know the evening aint going well.

The highlight (or lowlight as it may be) was my glorious tumble down a flight of stairs... luckily no-one was there to witness the spectacular feat. This happened on one of my bathroom trips and while I was stone-cold sober. As I started down the stairs I managed 2 steps and as I took the third my heel BROKE... my favorite pair of shoes... BROKEN. So now I have some lovely reminders of the evening, a ginormous bruise on my hip and knee and a twisted ankle.

As for the DRAMA... which seems to be the trend in my entries lately... the BEFH has now completely gone over the edge. I will not divulge the details here but he definitely needs help. He has hit absolute rock bottom, and I am convinced he is trying to pull me down with him. There is nothing more that I can do... I am exhausted, done, finished. I can and will no longer be made to feel responsible for him (and by that I mean responsible for finding him help). I had a chat with his mother now and have filled her in as much as I can and told her that she now needs to sort her son out. After the latest incident I no longer WANT him around me or my children (even though he has once again done the "I don't/won't see them again" thing).

I know I never asked for this (or otherwise I am being punished for something I did in a past life). At least this time round I am not doing this alone and was on the phone with my mom again tonight. I really don't know what it had to come to this for me to realise that I always had her there for me, but I never asked before.

And to top all of this off, we had clients/colleagues down from Copenhagen for the last 3 days, which has required me to be bright and perky and alert for meeting after meeting after meeting.

Right now I need sleep, so that is it from me for now.

Taking back control... bit by bit

I am slowly getting myself out of the really bad place I have been in for the last week. Taking control of my life again, or at least trying to. I finally stopped crying yesterday, then it turned to anger and at least that I can deal with, I can rationalise it, get to the source and change it.

So what has changed? Well for starters I am no longer letting BEFH have any control over my emotions, I will NO LONGER expend any energy on him even in the form of anger (which as I have discovered is the most energy sapping emotions there is), he is simply not worth that amount of energy. The second thing that changed is that I ended "it" (whatever "it" was) with Irish... turns out he was a cowardly bastard after all... and that is all I have to say on that matter.

I also had a nice long chat with my mother last night... I am not one who easily asks for help, even if it is just for me to talk to someone, and for some reason my folks are always last on the list of people that I do talk to... so anyway, one of my closest, bestest friends (Lady B) contacted my mom yesterday and that led to my mom popping in for a visit which ended up in us chatting for a few hours. As I discovered yesterday I am more like her than I ever knew (or would ever have admitted in the past)... we are both stubborn and hard headed and strong willed and independent souls who cherish that independence above all else. Anyway, I always knew, and was reminded again last night, that I have their support 100% and that I should never hesitate to ask for that support when needed.

And as for support... Ms C (I know you are reading this too)... thank you, thank you and once again thank you... you know why.

So, in honor of rediscovering some good feelings... here are 3 things that made me happy today

1. My children... they put up with sooo much from me, and even though they can push my buttons like no-ones business, they also know when I am down and are ever ready with hugs and kisses...

2. My family and friends that are always there when I need them most... my mom, Lady B, Ms C, Yummy D

3. A glorious summer day in Cape Town... yes it was a little windy (well maybe more than a little as I discovered when the wind almost took off my skirt when I tried to cross the road) but this is the most beautiful city to be in right now.

Hormones? maybe...

I don't know what has got into me lately. The last two weeks I have been soo angry... angry at life, angry at God, angry at myself... and I am taking it out on the two people that spend the most time around me... my children. In the last two days this has suddenly turned to sadness... no, more than that... Heartache. The smallest things are setting me off, sitting here writing this post I am on the verge of tears for the 9th time today and about the 100th time this weekend.

I have been struck with an absolute feeling of despair, of confusion, of a lack of direction in my life... a feeling of existence instead of living. I have had a nervous breakdown before and been thrown into the grip of depression that only medical assistance could get me out of and avoid me taking my own life... I am NOT there now, I know the warning signs though and am worried that I may be heading that way again...

Yesterday I almost ended things with Irish... I had hit the lowest point of my day and he was the target of my aggression. Maybe I still should (end it that is) as I am no good to anyone at the moment... not that he would even know THAT... his list of priorities goes something like this:
work
socialising
work
mother
work
flat
work
dog
work
meeting new young single carefree childless spontaneous woman... no... GIRL

FUCK IT... why should I care, I have been the one saying all along that I don't want anything serious (and I DON'T). He has the potential to be a good, even a great, friend... and I am quickly ruining any chance of that at the moment. If he finds someone that is more suited to his way of life, then I am happy for him. I have witnessed him at his worst, with anger targeted towards a certain ex (of his) that was causing some problems in his life... and I stuck around... let's hope he can see my worst, and accept it. If not... then it is HIS loss.

You know what... I have just realised and remembered why I started this blog in the first place. It is a place for me to vent.. to let out these emotions and thoughts and ramblings instead of bottling them up inside as I always used to do. I am feeling a little bit better right now (even though I am sure it will be short lived - so expect an update this evening).

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*update*

Just when I thought my day was taking a turn for the better... when my ex-mother-in-law had taken the kids for a visit for a few hours, giving me a momentary respite and chance to breath and catchup on the housework that had been piling up this weekend, just when I had a quick lie down to recharge my batteries.... and I have a visit from BEFH!!!

This time he physically cornered me in the garden, again proclaiming his love and rambling on about how he should have fought for me when he had the chance. One of those many many many that I gave him through our 6 years of marriage.... or all the times I fought to save the marriage through our year of separation... including the times when I actually DID take him back only for him to fall straight back into his old habits...

Can you believe he physically stood in my way and wouldn't let me get past him. He even restrained me when I tried to get around him, and before you all shout domestic abuse... NO he did not strike me in any way. He doesn't operate like that... he is a manipulator of the mind and emotions. Normally I could put up with this, but he caught me at a week point today and for the first time in a long time he actually saw me crying, and I hate the fact that I let him see that he is getting to me, that he is having an emotional impact on me (even if it is anger and hate).

I'm tested, I know...

I have had the most nerve wracking 28 hours of my life.

As you may know (or at least have guessed from the timer ticking down at the top of the site) I am going to Jordan at the end of the year. While there I have decided that I would like to see Damascus (Syria) at the same time. My tickets are bought, the hotels in Jordan booked and the next task was to investigate visa's.

Jordan was easy, they like South African's there. The visa's are free and you can collect them at the airport when you land, just show them your permanent SA passport and they give you the visa no-questions-asked. GREAT. THEN there is Syria. These can take up to a month to organise AND they require laboratory results of a recent HIV test. WTF was my first reaction...

Where the hell do I even start with this? was the thought going through my mind. I have had an aids test before for my life insurance policy earlier this year, but then they came to me to draw blood and then disappeared never to be heard from again. Well, my policy was approved so I assumed that the test result was negative. This time however, I had to purposefully find somewhere to specifically get tested for the HIVirus. The one place that I knew of close to my place of work seems to have closed (or moved or something, but no-one seems to know where it is). So, next best bet was my GP, luckily I had the paper to prove the visa requirement in response to the skeptical looks I got from him :)

"Do you have any reason to be concerned about the results?" He asked me.... well No, but you never really do know, do you?

Yes, I have started a new relationship recently, and yes I have taken a few unnecessary risks in the last year given our current AIDS situation in Southern Africa. You look at a person, take into account their history (or at least what they have revealed to you) and you take the precautions you deem necessary... but you can never be 100% sure until you are tested. So NO, I didn't feel that I had anything to be concerned about... However, think about what it is that is being tested... this is SERIOUS stuff, and to not be a little wary would be simply stupid.

So, anyway, this afternoon (about 28 hours after the blood was drawn) I returned to my GP to get my results. NEGATIVE.... YEAH.... THANK GOD

Now I can get my Syrian visa... let's see if they can get the paperwork done and get my passport back to me before I leave.

Soul mate: Fact or Fiction?

My mind very seldom slows down (although many would dispute that), and over supper I found myself contemplating the existence of soul mates. This while gnawing down on chicken drumsticks. While eating with my hands my thoughts jumped to a particular friend who refuses to eat with his hands - even burgers and pizza's get the knife and fork treatment. This is someone who I actually have a fair deal in common with, but enough differences to keep me intrigued at the same time.

Then from here my mind made the giant leap to the concept of soul mates (of course). What makes a person a soul mate, is it the things you have in common or the things that are different, or maybe it is a combination of the two? Do soul mates even exist at all or is it all just a figment of our fairy-tail-stimulated-imaginations?

What do you think???? Have you found your soul mate? and if so, HOW do you KNOW that they are the one??? Is there only one perfect person out there for each of us (if any)???

I am by nature a romantic, so I do (or at least used to) believe in the existence of this mythical match, but my experiences over the last 29 years (okay well at least the last 10) makes me doubt this belief slightly. Then I think back to my grandparents who made it to their 52n'd wedding anniversary. Now no-one other than them will ever know if they truly did attain this magical match, but hope they did, and then I have a glimmer of hope that I might find MY match one day...

the power of music... and response to anon...

Okay this is the hundredth time I am attempting to post this... blogger has been going into seizures since yesterday morning and keeps LOOSING my entries and comments.... AARRGGGGGGG. So here is the post that made it's first appearance yesterday.

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This morning, getting into my car I found that there was very little decent music to listen to on the radio (as usual) and turned on my cd player. I had completely forgotten what was in at the time and was greeted by the following... Evolver: Stronger.

Music has always had a profound role in my life... there is almost never a time when there isn't something playing... like a soundtrack to my life. But the lyrics of this particular song were somehow just what I needed to hear this morning.

i see you there,
lying down when you should be getting up,
you in despair, all alone just take a stand,
you'll be alright.

all this time,
you found a way how to mend a broken heart,
look around and you will see the friends you got,
you not alone, no.

it gets stronger,
every little thing you do is bolder,
if you feel like crying, here’s my shoulder,
i aint afraid.

i see you high,
in the clouds don't care what the people shout,
you moving on with your life just take my hand,
we'll make it right.

looking back,
you wonder how you found the strength to carry on,
you needed time to make it right in your mind,
you are home... home

it gets stronger,
every little thing you do is bolder,
if you feel like crying, here’s my shoulder,
i aint afraid. i aint afraid.

I just wanted to share that with you all.





And to the anonymous commenter from last night on my post "A night to remember...", I have been trying to respond all morning, but blogger seems to have gone into shock and is refusing to update the comments... so here it is....

anon HMMMMMM I don't even know where to start in response to that.
Firstly, I love my kids more than you or anyone else could ever know and I am NEVER EVER EVER negative about their dad in front of them.

This blog is a place for me to vent and to talk and to blow off steam ANONYMOUSLY. Only a small handful of people here actually know who I am... and I have never used real names when referring to anyone.

As for Mr Irish... I do have peace in myself, but what is wrong with being with someone just for the sake of being with them... I have never had grand ideas of where this 'fling' is going. I am not looking for anything serious right now, he knows that, and we are both happy with where this is. As for a different type of man to love me for who I am and treat me the way I want to be treated... who ISN'T looking for that.

Friends... man, how pathetic do you think I am? Of course I phoned to find out what they were up to... and I do organise braai's etc. That was one particular night that I felt like going out and letting my hair down and unfortunately for me it was a last minute decision and everyone was busy.

Why the hell and I justifying myself to you, but you know what... keep your fingers crossed regarding the hunky locksmith :)

P.S. I must admit you have intrigued me... the fact that a complete stranger has taken any interest in my life based on my insane ramblings here :)

Please feel free to e-mail me and we can continue this discussion… InsanelySingle at gmail dot com