Taking a tumble... and drama, drama, drama

On Monday night I had a once in a lifetime experience (and no, that is not necessarily a good thing... just something I'll probably NEVER EVER do again). I went speed dating... yes you read that correctly... S.P.E.E.D. dating. The evening was immense fun, but that is purely due to the fact that I went with 3 girl-friends. The four of us are all single and thought this would, at the very least, be a fun experience.

ANYWAY, we arrived at the venue about 15 minutes early (as requested by the organisers) and got ourselves some drinks (mostly to settle the nerves) , all the while being eyed out by the 'men' sitting at the bar... these are the same 'men' we were to be dating shortly afterwards. All the ladies (all 11 of us) were seated one per table armed with a pen and paper. The men (all 6 of them) arrive taking up their positions and the evenings events are explained. We get 3 minutes in total to talk to eachother before the men are ushered on and moved to the next table. Only 3 minutes you say, for most of them we managed to fill that time easily, but when you are confronted with someone who answers every question in one-word-answers then those 3 minutes feel like a lifetime.

As you may have guessed there were NO real prospects, well at least not for us, I hope that some of the other woman there managed to find someone that they would like to see again, but for the 4 of us... NOT A CHANCE. The 1 hour worth of 'dating' was then followed by a meal (lamb and fillet and chicken skewers with veggies and potato wedges... followed by a delicious chocolate fondue). However, when you are flirting more with the waiters than the prospective dates you know the evening aint going well.

The highlight (or lowlight as it may be) was my glorious tumble down a flight of stairs... luckily no-one was there to witness the spectacular feat. This happened on one of my bathroom trips and while I was stone-cold sober. As I started down the stairs I managed 2 steps and as I took the third my heel BROKE... my favorite pair of shoes... BROKEN. So now I have some lovely reminders of the evening, a ginormous bruise on my hip and knee and a twisted ankle.

As for the DRAMA... which seems to be the trend in my entries lately... the BEFH has now completely gone over the edge. I will not divulge the details here but he definitely needs help. He has hit absolute rock bottom, and I am convinced he is trying to pull me down with him. There is nothing more that I can do... I am exhausted, done, finished. I can and will no longer be made to feel responsible for him (and by that I mean responsible for finding him help). I had a chat with his mother now and have filled her in as much as I can and told her that she now needs to sort her son out. After the latest incident I no longer WANT him around me or my children (even though he has once again done the "I don't/won't see them again" thing).

I know I never asked for this (or otherwise I am being punished for something I did in a past life). At least this time round I am not doing this alone and was on the phone with my mom again tonight. I really don't know what it had to come to this for me to realise that I always had her there for me, but I never asked before.

And to top all of this off, we had clients/colleagues down from Copenhagen for the last 3 days, which has required me to be bright and perky and alert for meeting after meeting after meeting.

Right now I need sleep, so that is it from me for now.

Hormones? maybe...

I don't know what has got into me lately. The last two weeks I have been soo angry... angry at life, angry at God, angry at myself... and I am taking it out on the two people that spend the most time around me... my children. In the last two days this has suddenly turned to sadness... no, more than that... Heartache. The smallest things are setting me off, sitting here writing this post I am on the verge of tears for the 9th time today and about the 100th time this weekend.

I have been struck with an absolute feeling of despair, of confusion, of a lack of direction in my life... a feeling of existence instead of living. I have had a nervous breakdown before and been thrown into the grip of depression that only medical assistance could get me out of and avoid me taking my own life... I am NOT there now, I know the warning signs though and am worried that I may be heading that way again...

Yesterday I almost ended things with Irish... I had hit the lowest point of my day and he was the target of my aggression. Maybe I still should (end it that is) as I am no good to anyone at the moment... not that he would even know THAT... his list of priorities goes something like this:
work
socialising
work
mother
work
flat
work
dog
work
meeting new young single carefree childless spontaneous woman... no... GIRL

FUCK IT... why should I care, I have been the one saying all along that I don't want anything serious (and I DON'T). He has the potential to be a good, even a great, friend... and I am quickly ruining any chance of that at the moment. If he finds someone that is more suited to his way of life, then I am happy for him. I have witnessed him at his worst, with anger targeted towards a certain ex (of his) that was causing some problems in his life... and I stuck around... let's hope he can see my worst, and accept it. If not... then it is HIS loss.

You know what... I have just realised and remembered why I started this blog in the first place. It is a place for me to vent.. to let out these emotions and thoughts and ramblings instead of bottling them up inside as I always used to do. I am feeling a little bit better right now (even though I am sure it will be short lived - so expect an update this evening).

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*update*

Just when I thought my day was taking a turn for the better... when my ex-mother-in-law had taken the kids for a visit for a few hours, giving me a momentary respite and chance to breath and catchup on the housework that had been piling up this weekend, just when I had a quick lie down to recharge my batteries.... and I have a visit from BEFH!!!

This time he physically cornered me in the garden, again proclaiming his love and rambling on about how he should have fought for me when he had the chance. One of those many many many that I gave him through our 6 years of marriage.... or all the times I fought to save the marriage through our year of separation... including the times when I actually DID take him back only for him to fall straight back into his old habits...

Can you believe he physically stood in my way and wouldn't let me get past him. He even restrained me when I tried to get around him, and before you all shout domestic abuse... NO he did not strike me in any way. He doesn't operate like that... he is a manipulator of the mind and emotions. Normally I could put up with this, but he caught me at a week point today and for the first time in a long time he actually saw me crying, and I hate the fact that I let him see that he is getting to me, that he is having an emotional impact on me (even if it is anger and hate).

The BEFH: The Saga Continues

Maybe it is just me (I doubt it), but just in case I am throwing this out for comment. My ex has decided that the following is completely logical and sensical... This is the culminating statement of last night's fiasco... "Well if I can't see you then I don't want to see the kids either!". WTF.

Someone please explain to me on what planet that makes sense. His 'explanation' of this statement is that he sees me and the kids as one unit and cannot separate his love for us. Therefore the fact that I have told him to fuckoff out of my life once and for all means that he feels he cannot stand to see the kids again either.

This all came about after I got home yesterday after my sons concert (which was soooo cute) to find that he had set up a complete candle lit dinner in MY lounge, and me completely loosing my cool and telling him it is unacceptable, unwanted, invasion of privacy (AGAIN), I'll be changing my locks and getting a restraining order against what I now consider to be a stalker. "But I die a little bit each time I walk away from you" he said... to which I responded that he must just fuckoff and die now as I NEVER EVER EVER want to see him again other than at kid exchanges.

AARRRGGGGGGGG

You know what... good riddance to bad rubbish is all I can say.

By the time he left I was soooo frazzled by the events of the evening, and was left quite upset and even sad... but let me explain why before you start thinking that I still have an iota of feeling for the man.

Why was I upset... well for 2 reasons... one selfish and one not

1. My children... How do I explain to them that their father doesn't want to see them again? Do I bother trying to explain it at all? As much as I can't stand the sight of him anymore, they do still need a father in their lives... Especially my son

2. My 'me' time (the time I had to myself when they went to their father) is now gone. It is not that I want to get away from my kids (couldn't be further from the truth). But those fortnightly breaks help me to restore some of my sanity, and unwind and have some adult conversation. My time to just do what I want, when I want and how I want. But more than THAT... what will I do with them now during my planned, booked and paid for holiday at the end of the year.

This is not the first time he has pulled this 'stunt', but the big difference is that in the past I would give in (due to above 2 reasons) and put up with him and his presence in my life. BUT NOT ANYMORE. As for the rest, well... I'll survive, I always do... and I am going to have to start relying on family more.

A night to remember... Fatal blogging mistake... And the EX from HELL

WOW, WOW, WOW, Incredible, Fantastic, Spectacular... Last night was in a word... AMAZING.

This is the third time I have had the pleasure of seeing LIVE in concert in Cape Town and each time they get better and better - as does the crowd. I went with Ms C and met up with her sister and BIL. We also tracked down Adumski & Samwise and a few of their friends (A... You are off the proverbial hook for now). Later Yummy-D was spotted (although that is not a difficult thing as this 6'4" person stands out in the crowd a little) with L2.

It was an evening of incredible music and much dancing, singing (shouting) and FUN. The Parlotones were the opening act for the evening and they were also SUPERB... they had the crowd up and on their feet from the very first song and what followed was 4 hours of ROCK. YEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. Needless to say my feet and voice are suffering a little this morning... but it was WELL WORTH IT.

Irish was there aswell although he had managed to secure golden circle tickets with a backstage pass through a friend (proving again that it is WHO you know not WHAT you know that counts), and HERE lies my fatal blogging mistake. Not long after I met him I, in a moment of madness, told him about my blog. This has meant that I have been censoring my entries concerning him a little... but not any more.

IRISH... if you are reading this... please be warned that this is a place for me to vent anonymously and let off steam when needed... so keep that in mind when reading any future entries... better yet... stop reading them.

And now for the slimy, manipulative, bastard ex from hell.

Last week I told him about the fact that I had met someone... and that is all I told him. This then sent him into a 5 day sulk from which he emerged last night. Seeing as I was going out for the evening, he came to babysit the kids and in the 20 minutes that I was at home for a quick change out of work attire and freshening up to go out he cornered me and continued to profess his undying love for me.

AARRRGGGGGG, does this bastard just not get it. When we were married he was never around... when we were separated he couldn't give a flying fuck about trying to fix things... now, almost 2 years after we were divorced, after I have made peace with the fact that it is over and am no longer angry/depressed/sad, after I have moved on and a statement like that simply has NO MORE EFFECT ON ME... he has the audacity to tell me that he has never loved me as much as he does now, and how he can't live without me, and then fucking tries to kiss me. KISS ME.... it was all I could do not to bitch-slap him. He is a leach.... no... worse than that... he is a microbe that lives in the slimy scum of a leach.

For the sake of the kids I have been trying to keep a friendship going between him and I, but I simply cannot do this anymore. My life is complicated enough, and it is time to start removing some of these complications. I foresee all the locks at home being replaced very very soon, and all kid exchanges happening in public venues from now on. He is still their father and I will have to put up with him at all school events and important day's in their lives... but I will no longer tolerate him in MY home.

Who are we REALLY??

On the weekend I had a discussion with a fellow blogger (over a cup of decaf Americano) about how we show different faces to different people and situations. How, for example, someone who is completely outgoing and extroverted on their blog can actually be very shy and quiet and melancholy in person. Or how we only show portions of ourselves and all of us have these HUGELY busy lives and things going on that no one ever really finds out about. I have always tried to be as true to myself as possible here, in other words the personality I have here is pretty much how I am (those of you who actually know me are welcome to comment on that one), BUT I will admit that there are large parts of my life that I do not mention here (or at least only hint at), but then again, I don’t talk about these things with anyone in the real world either (bestest bestest friend excluded). However, something momentous is happening in my life at the moment (not necessarily good, but positive in the long run) and I am going to loose my pensive self for the duration of this post and let you all in.

Background (in a nut shell)

My ex-husband is an emotionally manipulative, obsessive compulsive, jealous, control freak. Surprisingly though, when I was married to him I was young and naive in the middle of this and didn’t always see him for what he is, and when I did I would always try and make excuses for him and explain it away. It wasn’t until very near the end of my marriage that I started to really see him for what he is (something that everyone besides myself saw up to that point)… hindsight is 20/20 right? After a long drawn out divorce process of me trying to get us to come to some sort of agreement without getting lawyers involved only for him to change his mind or refuse to sign the papers at the 11th hour, I decided to go ahead with the original summons and just get the divorce. So in the end we parted (in the legal sense) with a basic divorce, visitation (I have custody) and maintenance amount set down. However, the house, which is still registered in both our names, remained as is. I honestly thought we could make this work, even with everyone telling me that all it is doing is giving him an in, a certain level of control over us as he still sees that house as his home.

Over the last 18 months he has slowly embedded himself back in our lives (or attempted to), he honestly thinks he can come and go as he pleases, that we will always be there to welcome him in. He even has the audacity to loose his temper at me if I decided to go with the kids and he comes around and we aren’t there. He insists on buying flowers (which he knows ends up in the bin) and gifts and offers of weekends away (if he had put in half this effort when we were married things may have turned out differently – well MAYBE), even after I turn down every single offer and tell him for the 100th time to drop the pseudo-family friendly-friendly bulls$!t. Whenever he finds himself backed into a corner there is one of two cards that get played… either the “woe is me, you only want everything, well then… take it all I don’t care” scenario gets played out OR the “I’m depressed and if I can’t see the kids everyday then I don’t want to see them at all, I’m going to work overseas or kill myself” scene. On the rare occasion, both – last night being case in point.

Growing up

I am, and have always been, the kind of person who tries to make sure that EVERYONE is happy. Putting everyone else’s feelings before my own, heaven forbid I should cause someone to be upset or hurt by something that I have said or done. Over the last year however I have made peace with everything that happened between us and am making a concerted effort to move forward with my life. And one of the big changes that comes with that is the realization that I need to come first sometimes, particularly when it comes to ‘HIM’. I have wasted far too much time and energy already trying to make sure I don’t ‘hurt’ him (can you believe it after all that he has put me through). I no longer allow myself to be manipulated by him.

LAST NIGHT

After yet another weekday visit which results in him staying for dinner, he phones me later in the evening going on about “family” trips away to Natures Valley at which point something in me snapped… a switch was suddenly flicked and the doormat that was… is no more. I am sick and tired of sugarcoating everything I say to him, and so laid out the law in no uncertain terms. NO weekends away are EVER going to happen. All gifts/flowers/choc/etc will end up in the bin. The happy-family crap is going to stop NOW. He needs to get out of his self-absorbed, self-centered little world and acknowledge and accept the part the HE played in the breakup of our marriage. And True to form, he pulled both ace cards out his sleeve. “You take everything and I am never seeing the kids again”. Now, I am not a bitch in any form, and as much as I am really tempted to do just that, I cannot and will not. I have never had any intention of keeping the kids from him or “taking him to the cleaners” leaving him with nothing. Although it is really tempting right now.

He no longer has any control over our lives.
I need to get hold of a property lawyer and figure out how much it will cost to buy him out of the house (and if I cannot afford to then it will be going on the market).

So, even though I am fluctuating between laughing/shouting for joy and crying/breaking down in a heap on the mat… I know that all this IS A GOOD THING. I am stronger for it and will come out on top in the end.

Who ever said life would be easy

Family Update…

Let’s start with the angels/demons (depending on the day).

What I have noticed is that they are never both angles or both demons on the same day. They seem to take turns with each, for example… Yesterday morning my daughter (the headstrong, stubborn, self confident, 7 year old) who is normally the SLOWEST person on earth when it comes to getting dressed in the morning, having to be reminded of every little thing from where her shoes are to packing her bag, decided that she was actually going to get herself up and dressed and packed all with out me having to say a word. ANGEL. My son on the other hand (the equally headstrong, but still small enough to be picked up and put in his place, 3 year old) decided that he was not going to get up, and when I did manage to rouse him from his slumber at around 7:30AM (when I should be heading out the door), he decided that he simply was not going to get dressed, this in turn led to a wrestling match with me pinning him down to get his pj’s off. Round one to mom. Now imagine little three year old tearing around the house in his undies, locating his pj’s and putting them back on in delighted defiance. He ended up going to crèche in his pj’s, with a change on clothes in this bag for when he decided to co-operate. DEMON. And in perfect contrast, this morning I was back to rushing her along while he quietly got himself dressed in his room. Maybe I should be grateful… single-handedly dealing with demon’s in stereo does not sound like a pleasant task.

Next update… the EX. Leopards will truly never, ever change their spots. This he proves to me time and time again. Friday being a case in point. Now that I am no longer the naive little girl that he married and am no longer susceptible to his manipulation and lies and deception I am able to see though all the afore mentioned and see him for what he truly is. That said, he doesn’t seem to realize this yet. Anyway, to cut a really really long story short, he pulled a typical stunt and completely dropped off the face of the planet on Friday, this being the day that he was meant to pick the kids up from school as they were to spend the weekend with him. I in the meantime ended up in the usual Friday afternoon chaos at the office, but seeing as no-one could track him down had to leave early to do the school run all the while trying to track him down (which I eventually did manage to do). He was holed up at his step mothers house (which he is house-sitting) with all forms for telephonic communication unavailable, that is at least until I rang the doorbell at which point everything miraculously started working. Now for those of you who don’t know the history here (which is most of you) he has a certain addiction to things far too readily available on the internet, and his step-mom’s house has a computer, a modem and a telephone line… not a good combination when he is added to the mix.

Oh... Life... what else can I say...

Wacky Weekend (in no particular order)

My Saturday evening was spent at Hanover Street at Grand West to see Scarlet Box, Evolver and Prime Circle live… WOW, Amazing, Incredible. I have been a Prime Circle fan for a while now, having first seen them perform when they were the opening act for Live, then again at the Coca-Cola Collab Massive Mix (a.k.a. METALLICA) concert in Cape Town. They are definitely one of S.A.’s foremost Rock bands. They never fail to entertain the crowds, and Saturday was no exception. It was also the first time that I have had the opportunity to see Evolver perform live and boy was it worth it. Their re-make of ‘play that funky music WHIITEE BOOOYYYY’ was awesome. Most people will recognize their hit ‘Let’s get naked’ if they hear it. I will definitely be looking out to see when they are performing in Cape Town again. All in all an INCREDIBLE evening.

This was without a doubt the highlight of my weekend, and seeing as the kids were with dad it didn’t matter that I crawled into bed at 2AM because I could sleep as late as I wanted anyway, which turned out to be 10:30AM. I then had to get up and try to get myself into a reasonable state before fetching the kids and heading off to a friends braai… the invite said ‘come rain, or snow’ we will be braai-ing… and would you know it, we had both. Well snow on the out-of-town mountains, but being true South Africa Manna they stood in the rain and continued with (what Katt has now coined) the meat-tanning session.

Here follow the 2 low points of my weekend…

No.1 – an ever more jealous ex-husband. Yes I said ex, why he thinks he has any right to be jealous is beyond me. And I am not even seeing anyone yet. I don’t know what has got into this man (and I use that term very loosely) lately. I am obviously sending out signals that I am (and have) moved on because he is using every available opportunity to question me about my whereabouts. What gives him the right to ask me questions about where I am going and whom I am going with? And to top it all off, he actually has the audacity to phone me on Saturday morning to check if I am alone, and not even subtly, he blatantly came out and asked me (WHAT THE F&*K). It is truly beyond me.

No. 2 – an impending wardrobe malfunction… well maybe not wardrobe. A couple of years ago I lost 20kg’s (it was needed after giving birth to my second child) and in the process I weeded out all the old clothes that I vowed I would never need again. In the meantime I also decided to give up smoking and have subsequently put at least half of that weight back on. I am now stuck with a wardrobe FULL of clothes that don’t fit me… AARRRGGGGG. I am determined not to go out and buy a whole new set of clothes as I WILL loose this weight (I will, I will, I will, I will). What I have decided is to give me the motivation I would report back here once a week on the progress…. That way I will have you lot on my case if it goes in the wrong direction (that is of course assuming that any of you actually give a shit about this – but at least I will have it on my conscience that it is out there in the land of the public blog for any and all to view). So on the right of the page (below my weekly glittery/blinky thing) will be a record of my progress. It will be set to 0kg’s and 0cm’s today and each Monday morning I will increment it by the amount of weight or centimeters lost in the last week (i.e. positive number means x kg’s lost) Let’s hope this works, if next week you see that it has disappeared completely you will know that it has all gone pear-shaped (literally)