What do you want to be when you grow up???

I still don't have an answer for that... What I do know is that I never planned to be, and don't really want to be, where I have ended up. The other problem is that I have never truly KNOWN what it is that I want to do.

I've tried thinking back to what I wanted to grow up to be when I was little and I honestly couldn't remember. I resorted to asking my mother... and the answer... a ballerina. Growing up to be 5'11" tall by the age of 13 didn't help that endeavour. The only other thing that I can remember is my brother and I planning how we would have a farm together one day where our parents would have a house as well. I was about 8 years old when this idea was hatched.

Oddly enough this farming thing is an idea that has taken hold of me again in the last year. I have realised just how much I detest living in the city. I do not like high rise buildings, I do not like traffic, I do not like smog, I HATE crowds of people, and I am sick to death of sitting in an office all day doing NOTHING meaningful. I love open spaces, I love being in the country and in the mountains, I love fresh air and peace and quiet.

Currently I sit behind a PC for 8 hours a day at the office designing and building systems so that some idiot in Copenhagen or London can track a box on a ship somewhere, and knowing the nature of the industry in 5 years time the entire system will be replaced anyway and no-one will remember that I have lost my sanity building the first one. I need a sense of purpose... I don't expect to change the world in one foul swoop... but I need to do something that makes a difference somehow, or at least something that gives me that sense of accomplishment that comes from seeing the fruits of your labour after a hard days work.

With the kids to think of I must also make sure that any risks I take right now are calculated ones.

1) Continue living in the suburbs where the kids can go the best schools and we can all continue living the life we have become accustomed to BUT that also means being able to support that life financially which in turn means staying in the industry that I am in. Basically everything stays as it is.

2) Leave the suburbs... sell the house and find a nice house in a countryside suburb. The kids can still go to good schools (very good schools depending on where in the countryside you are). I will still have to stay in the industry that I am in as changing careers would reduce my income substantially.

3) Leave the suburbs... and find a something that can support itself and the family... a piece of land that can produce enough income to pay for itself with enough to spare to put the kids in good schools and put food on the table. Easier said than done... but not impossible.

4) Any and all other suggestions are welcome :)

This will be the year of finding my purpose. I know it won't happen overnight, I know that I am going to have to stick things out for a bit longer BUT this will be the year of change