Who are we REALLY??

On the weekend I had a discussion with a fellow blogger (over a cup of decaf Americano) about how we show different faces to different people and situations. How, for example, someone who is completely outgoing and extroverted on their blog can actually be very shy and quiet and melancholy in person. Or how we only show portions of ourselves and all of us have these HUGELY busy lives and things going on that no one ever really finds out about. I have always tried to be as true to myself as possible here, in other words the personality I have here is pretty much how I am (those of you who actually know me are welcome to comment on that one), BUT I will admit that there are large parts of my life that I do not mention here (or at least only hint at), but then again, I don’t talk about these things with anyone in the real world either (bestest bestest friend excluded). However, something momentous is happening in my life at the moment (not necessarily good, but positive in the long run) and I am going to loose my pensive self for the duration of this post and let you all in.

Background (in a nut shell)

My ex-husband is an emotionally manipulative, obsessive compulsive, jealous, control freak. Surprisingly though, when I was married to him I was young and naive in the middle of this and didn’t always see him for what he is, and when I did I would always try and make excuses for him and explain it away. It wasn’t until very near the end of my marriage that I started to really see him for what he is (something that everyone besides myself saw up to that point)… hindsight is 20/20 right? After a long drawn out divorce process of me trying to get us to come to some sort of agreement without getting lawyers involved only for him to change his mind or refuse to sign the papers at the 11th hour, I decided to go ahead with the original summons and just get the divorce. So in the end we parted (in the legal sense) with a basic divorce, visitation (I have custody) and maintenance amount set down. However, the house, which is still registered in both our names, remained as is. I honestly thought we could make this work, even with everyone telling me that all it is doing is giving him an in, a certain level of control over us as he still sees that house as his home.

Over the last 18 months he has slowly embedded himself back in our lives (or attempted to), he honestly thinks he can come and go as he pleases, that we will always be there to welcome him in. He even has the audacity to loose his temper at me if I decided to go with the kids and he comes around and we aren’t there. He insists on buying flowers (which he knows ends up in the bin) and gifts and offers of weekends away (if he had put in half this effort when we were married things may have turned out differently – well MAYBE), even after I turn down every single offer and tell him for the 100th time to drop the pseudo-family friendly-friendly bulls$!t. Whenever he finds himself backed into a corner there is one of two cards that get played… either the “woe is me, you only want everything, well then… take it all I don’t care” scenario gets played out OR the “I’m depressed and if I can’t see the kids everyday then I don’t want to see them at all, I’m going to work overseas or kill myself” scene. On the rare occasion, both – last night being case in point.

Growing up

I am, and have always been, the kind of person who tries to make sure that EVERYONE is happy. Putting everyone else’s feelings before my own, heaven forbid I should cause someone to be upset or hurt by something that I have said or done. Over the last year however I have made peace with everything that happened between us and am making a concerted effort to move forward with my life. And one of the big changes that comes with that is the realization that I need to come first sometimes, particularly when it comes to ‘HIM’. I have wasted far too much time and energy already trying to make sure I don’t ‘hurt’ him (can you believe it after all that he has put me through). I no longer allow myself to be manipulated by him.

LAST NIGHT

After yet another weekday visit which results in him staying for dinner, he phones me later in the evening going on about “family” trips away to Natures Valley at which point something in me snapped… a switch was suddenly flicked and the doormat that was… is no more. I am sick and tired of sugarcoating everything I say to him, and so laid out the law in no uncertain terms. NO weekends away are EVER going to happen. All gifts/flowers/choc/etc will end up in the bin. The happy-family crap is going to stop NOW. He needs to get out of his self-absorbed, self-centered little world and acknowledge and accept the part the HE played in the breakup of our marriage. And True to form, he pulled both ace cards out his sleeve. “You take everything and I am never seeing the kids again”. Now, I am not a bitch in any form, and as much as I am really tempted to do just that, I cannot and will not. I have never had any intention of keeping the kids from him or “taking him to the cleaners” leaving him with nothing. Although it is really tempting right now.

He no longer has any control over our lives.
I need to get hold of a property lawyer and figure out how much it will cost to buy him out of the house (and if I cannot afford to then it will be going on the market).

So, even though I am fluctuating between laughing/shouting for joy and crying/breaking down in a heap on the mat… I know that all this IS A GOOD THING. I am stronger for it and will come out on top in the end.

Who ever said life would be easy