What do you want to be when you grow up???

I still don't have an answer for that... What I do know is that I never planned to be, and don't really want to be, where I have ended up. The other problem is that I have never truly KNOWN what it is that I want to do.

I've tried thinking back to what I wanted to grow up to be when I was little and I honestly couldn't remember. I resorted to asking my mother... and the answer... a ballerina. Growing up to be 5'11" tall by the age of 13 didn't help that endeavour. The only other thing that I can remember is my brother and I planning how we would have a farm together one day where our parents would have a house as well. I was about 8 years old when this idea was hatched.

Oddly enough this farming thing is an idea that has taken hold of me again in the last year. I have realised just how much I detest living in the city. I do not like high rise buildings, I do not like traffic, I do not like smog, I HATE crowds of people, and I am sick to death of sitting in an office all day doing NOTHING meaningful. I love open spaces, I love being in the country and in the mountains, I love fresh air and peace and quiet.

Currently I sit behind a PC for 8 hours a day at the office designing and building systems so that some idiot in Copenhagen or London can track a box on a ship somewhere, and knowing the nature of the industry in 5 years time the entire system will be replaced anyway and no-one will remember that I have lost my sanity building the first one. I need a sense of purpose... I don't expect to change the world in one foul swoop... but I need to do something that makes a difference somehow, or at least something that gives me that sense of accomplishment that comes from seeing the fruits of your labour after a hard days work.

With the kids to think of I must also make sure that any risks I take right now are calculated ones.

1) Continue living in the suburbs where the kids can go the best schools and we can all continue living the life we have become accustomed to BUT that also means being able to support that life financially which in turn means staying in the industry that I am in. Basically everything stays as it is.

2) Leave the suburbs... sell the house and find a nice house in a countryside suburb. The kids can still go to good schools (very good schools depending on where in the countryside you are). I will still have to stay in the industry that I am in as changing careers would reduce my income substantially.

3) Leave the suburbs... and find a something that can support itself and the family... a piece of land that can produce enough income to pay for itself with enough to spare to put the kids in good schools and put food on the table. Easier said than done... but not impossible.

4) Any and all other suggestions are welcome :)

This will be the year of finding my purpose. I know it won't happen overnight, I know that I am going to have to stick things out for a bit longer BUT this will be the year of change

Out with the old... In with the new...

For months now I have had this feeling that it is time to throw out the old and open my life up to new things.

I decided that the best place to start this is by rummaging through all the 'stuff' that I have collected through my life and that has always just moved along with me. Everything from letters I received from my closest friend when I was in Std 1 (grade 3 for all you young'ens) after she moved to Johannesburg to invoices and receipts from shopping trips last week.

I look at it all and think WHY?? why keep all this crap, then I pack it back in it's box and put in back in the cupboard (or under the bed). Don't get me wrong... you can see all the floors and table tops in my house, I don't have piles of things lying about that make it difficult to maneuver around my humble abode... but just having these things in my life is starting to feel like it is weighing me down.

Over the last few months I have had very good intentions of being brutal and getting rid of these old things but every time I open the boxes I stare at it all in disbelief then put it back and go do something else. Well, I am making it my mission this weekend to tackle at least 1 room (trying to do the whole house in one weekend is a task too daunting), and the first room to fall victim to the "De-Clutter M's life" campaign shall be the bedroom (loud applause and cheers of congratulations erupt as the other rooms know they are safe - for now).

I am even quite excited to know what treasures lay hidden, safely tucked away in boxes that haven't been opened in 8 years or more... I just need to learn to be brutal and get rid of the crap that is gathering dust and has no use in my life anymore.

So, raise your glasses and be upstanding for the toast..... "To making space for new and better things"
CHEERS

Fun Friday

Some advice from DR Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives? By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday , I have finally found inner peace.

The phone in show was talking about the potential damage to our health of the stress we have in our lives. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house , I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Vodka, a packet of Jaffa Cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the chocolate cake, some Doritos and a Box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel!!!! The man is a Genius!

Sleep overs and BIG school

Both my angels are growing up so quickly. On one had it is great to see the lovely young people they are turning in to (I seem to have done something right) but at the same time I want to freeze time and keep them they way they are now.

The big girl is going for her first sleep over at a friends house on Friday. I thought long and hard before deciding that she could go... the age old question of is she old enough? She is only 8 and I have to realise that I cannot hold on to her forever. Believe me I wouldn't let her go to just any old sleepover but this is with one of her best friends and I know the parents and it is just her going (i.e. not a house full of raucous girls). She has spent nights away from home before but that has always been with grandparents or her father, this is the first time away from family. I know she will be fine but can't help feeling like the 'good' years are gone... the years where mommy is everything... the centre of her life. She is also getting to the point where giving mommy a kiss goodbye in the morning at the school drop off is no longer acceptable - you never know who may be watching.

As for the angel boy... we are now going through the big school applications. Next year it is grade R for him and preparations for the next 12 school years of his life. Here the dilemma is... do I send him to the same co-ed school as his big sister or do I send him to the VERY good local boys only school (where his father is an "old-boy")??? Personally I prefer the co-ed junior school option when they are still young and developing their social skills. High school is a different matter though and I have no strong opinions either way. I know he would do well in either environment... decisions, decisions.

Back to Black

I tried the pink... it simply didn't work for me... so back to the tested and LOVED black

------ UPDATE ------

I have some time on my hands here at the office and as you can see 'Ramblings' is CHANGING yet again. Comments / Suggestions welcome.

What a lovely modern age we live in

that a person can get harassed by SMS...

Yup, this is the latest in the saga of my life. Someone has taken it upon themselves to sling accusations and slander, all of them baseless, in my general direction. And to top it off they are refusing to reveal who they are. It is obviously someone who knows me but they have gone to the trouble of acquiring a prepaid sim card for their phone (which ANYONE can get without having any trace of who purchased it) and using it for their 'fun-and-games'.

Luckily I have many contacts and they themselves have many... so I have managed to find out a fair deal of information... HOWEVER not WHO it is, and here is my problem. I do not know anyone who would have the motivation to do something like this and definitely no-one who WOULD actually do this. There is one possible culprit but I don't know enough yet to actually confront them about it (although I am still waiting for some information to come in).

This has all managed to get me more pissed off than I have been in a long time... whoever this is I will find them - I don't think they realise just who they are messing with.

I WILL FIND THEM