Self destructive patterns

I had an epiphany on the way home today, sparked by a coincidental “non-meeting” – but I will get to that later. I realised that I am stuck in a vicious circle of self destructive behaviour. Maybe behaviour is not the right word… attractions then. Even though the men that I have been attracted to over the years have all been very different they all end up being completely wrong for me on so many levels.

Humans tend to focus on the negative, we all do it unless we have reached a point of consciousness where we can recognise our actions and thoughts as negative and reverse them, but if like me you haven’t, then those negative things in life... the ‘bad’ qualities in people that we would rather steer clear from are the things that are foremost on our minds, but the double edge to that sword is that we also tend to attract the things that we are focused on. The mind is truly a powerful thing… cruel at times, but powerful. So the more we try to find the negative things in people the more we WILL find them, either because we created them by looking for them or because we attracted them to ourselves in the first place.

I have been looking at (well at least thinking of) some of my past relationships tonight all because of a chance sighting. On the way home, driving along my usual route, stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Eastern Boulevard I looked over to my left and saw someone I hadn’t seen in 9 years. When I was young and naive and let loose on the world at university, he was my first conquest (although I most certainly was not his first – or last for that matter). For a split second I thought, let me see if I can get his attention, maybe we can meet up (and then hook up)… and a split second after that I wanted to slap myself. This is a man that hurt me in ways that took years to heal, who showed me that the world is cruel and dark and unsafe, and that was when, like a bolt of lightning from the blue, I noticed what my mind was doing.

Thinking back on all these men/boys that have defined my relationships up until now I suddenly realise that the ones that were actually decent and gentle and kind are the ones that I always pushed away. The one that would cook me a meal and entertain me for the evening without trying to ‘cop a feel’ afterwards I always shrugged off as boring. The ones who would actually look out for me and stand up for me I would dismiss as old-fashioned.

BUT, the ones that I knew from the onset were nothing but trouble, the ones who were “worldly-wise” (although I am not sure how wise you can really be at 19/20), the smooth talkers who knew exactly what to say and do were the ones I was attracted to. They somehow radiate a sense of confidence of self-assurance, a coolness that is ever so enticing. They are the one night stands, the unreturned phone calls, the compulsive liars, the addictive personalise (both chemical and non), the manipulators and bastards.

Then there are the unavailable ones, the forbidden fruit. These are the ones that play on my mind, where I can drive myself insane without them ever realising that they are at the epicentre of my madness. The men that have already been snagged by woman who have absolutely NO IDEA just how lucky they are. Suddenly I feel like a kid who has been told they are not allowed to have that sweet and is about to throw a temper tantrum to try and get it.

Tonight for the first time my eyes are WIDE OPEN, I am seeing my behaviour for what it is, self destructive. What is done is done and there is nothing that I can say or do to magic it all away as if it never happened. I need to make peace with my past, acknowledge it for what it is (at the very least a learning experience) and put it behind me. As for my present, I need to accept the fact that certain people can only, and will only ever be friends and to cherish those friendships with very special people. My future… well who knows really. I am older and wiser but I have much yet to learn about true love… maybe now I will start opening my mind and attract Mr. Right.