Where is the sense in it all?

I know I have been very quiet over the last week. I have had a fair amount on my mind and have been struggling to find ways to put it all in words… at least any combination of words that would make sense to anyone else.

Yesterday I attended the memorial service for my project managers’ 11-year-old son. This is the second death of a child we have had in the office in the last 2 months. The first was an 11-month-old girl (who had been born with a genetic defect). I don’t know which is worse, although I can’t imagine that I would be able to survive either event with my sanity in tact. Daniel died very suddenly and without any explanations last week. He was a perfectly healthy 11-year-old, joking about upcoming sporting events and being his usual talkative self in class, then gone, for no apparent reason. With baby Kendra they knew it was coming eventually, they knew what to expect and had time to prepare… though I by no means intend that it is ANY easier.

Life is so incredibly fragile, yet every day I see / hear about it being destroyed. The 9-year-old girl in a coma after a brutal attack and rape. A jealous girlfriend who plots the murder of his child. The estimated 12 % of our population (that is in South Africa alone) that is living with AIDS, including an estimated 230,000 children (world wide we are only beaten by Nigeria with + 290,000). And this is only the VERY TIP of the iceberg.

What kind of world are we bringing our children into… what kind of example are we setting? I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about this too long. I look at my children and I wonder whether I am doing the best thing for them staying in this country… but then again, where else would I go (short of camping out on a deserted island for the rest of our lives).

Human being are a terrible specieds. We wage wars over oil and land. We enforce our ideas on others and sanction all those who do not agree. We use up every resource that the earth has provided and when it is all gone we move on to another patch of land while lamenting the beauty we have so senselessly destroyed. At the heart of EVERY religion is a God that teaches love and peace and compassion, in whose name we try and justify the atrocities we unleash on the world.

I have suddenly remembered a quote from one of the Matrix movies that couldn’t be more apt…
“I'd like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species, and I realised that humans are not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment; but you humans do not. Instead you multiply, and multiply, until every resource is consumed. The only way for you to survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern... a virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer on this planet, you are a plague…”

We need to slow down and appreciate all the beauty that is around every day. Give the person sitting next to you a hug. Call that friend that you haven’t spoken to in ages because on an insignificant disagreement and tell them that you miss them. We take so much for granted, never knowing what could happen tomorrow, or tonight, or in the next 10 minutes. DO NOT DELAY.

To my children:

I love you both.
For all those times that I have been in a bad mood after work and been short tempered with you I AM SORRY.
For all those times that I didn’t play with you because I was too busy with “more important” things I AM SORRY.
For all those times that I didn’t look at life through your eyes and appreciate the beauty you are discovering I AM SORRY.
I promise to build puzzles with you, to read with you, to colour in with you.
I promise to really listen when you tell me about YOUR day.
I promise that I won’t get upset when you want to wear that pink top with the orange pants.
I have learned that accidents happen (even after I have warned you) and that it is a part of growing up.
I have learned that no matter how much I want to protect you from life I need to let you live it knowing that I have raised you to make the right decisions.
I have learned that no matter how grumpy I have been you are always ready with a hug and a kiss.
I have taken you two completely for granted and I AM SORRY.
I LOVE YOU.